This is it...

I smell horrible.
I've got 7 coats of Protan on and haven't worn deodorant in 2 days...for the record, I'm a sweater, so this is not an optimal situation for me, or anyone around me.  I seriously felt bad for the couple standing behind me in Sam's Club today.  For starters, they were probably wondering why my face was about 10 shades whiter than the rest of my body.  Then once they gave up trying to figure that out, they were curious as to why I smelled like a combination of rubbing alcohol and a locker room.  I just turned and smiled....they hated me...and since they were buying a 5 gallon tub of mayo that will contribute to the triple bypass surgery my tax dollars will pay for, the feeling was mutual...

I swear I spent at least 3 hours in the car today.  I didn't plan my day very well, (I left the paint at my parents house), and decided I needed to throw on 2 extra coats at 8:30 this morning.  I don't do "spontaneous"  too well, so at that point I was not only freaking out that I would need more paint than expected, but on the verge of an anxiety attack simply because it threw me off schedule.  I'm beyond irrational right now...story of my life.  Ryan hasn't been around the house too much, which is completely understandable.  I'm moments away from going nuts on him, and just one shade away from being charged for it under a different ethnicity.  

On another note, the past 2 days have brought such a wide range of emotion.  One really threw me for a loop yesterday though.  I was driving down the highway and I started tearing up...which usually only happens if someone passes gas with the heat on.  But there I was, alone, (no gas...shocking), and fighting back these random tears.  But I soon discovered where they came from.  So here goes...
The significance of this weekend finally hit me.  When I "left the stage" 5 years ago, I was a mess...I was depressed and dealing with some very serious and overwhelming issues that I assumed were fueled by the competing itself.  It wasn't, and I was wrong, but I never addressed those things before diving head first into something so consuming, subjective, and mentally hard as figure competitions.  I was angry with myself and just wanted OUT.  I honestly thought that getting out of that world would solve my problems.  HA.  I threw away all my trophies and truly thought I would never return.  The truth was that once I forced myself to confront some deep seeded struggles and self-perceptions that were in fact false, I could look at competing in a whole new light.  I could compete from a very honest place, and not hide behind someone who was just trying to run from everything. 

So for me to step back on the very stage I left 5 years ago is huge in itself.  It means that struggles are real, but so is healing.  And it means that who you were in the past does not have to hinder or determine who you are today.  I do believe everything works together...and I think that the events of 5 years ago were a catalyst.  Sure it forced me into some dark days, but those eventually faded and now I stand a much different woman.  So perhaps my tears in the car yesterday were more so for myself...for the old me, who thought she'd always struggle...and for the new me, who proved otherwise.

With all that said, I am going into show day with a good peace of mind.  Whether or not I'm what the judges are looking for, we'll find out.  I've done the work, so all I have left is presentation. 

And I do want to say thank you.  So many of you have faithfully encouraged me along the way...I sincerely appreciate every word...every thought.  Next time I post I hope to have great news and perhaps a beer in hand.  What?  Its been 7 months and 3 major holidays (which means family events) and I have yet to drink...I'm due...well overdue.

Alright folks...game time...