Privates and Holiday Prep...

...and then there's that moment after a long day when you are scooping your cat's poo, that you ponder your purpose in life and curse the horrible smell of litter.  "Ocean Breeze" is a lie.  Still smells like feces.  Period.
I like to end my Tuesdays on a high note, what can I say...

Its been a hectic week thus far, but coming off a great weekend with my gals..
A slumber party with a 4 and 2 year old means lots of dress-up and reminders that you keep your "privates" private.  Hey Miley, take note....even a 2 year old gets it.
We had a blast to say the least...

And then as I was pulling away I got this shot, and nearly turned around, parked the car, and broke the news to them that I'd be moving in and sharing my ridiculousness with their family until further notice,....

Well, in fitness news it was back to the grind bright and early Monday morning.
I had all intentions of getting a good night's sleep, but neglected to open the windows wide enough....so there I was at 2am having menopausal hot flashes at 30 years old.  You would have thought it was 80 degrees in there.
It wasn't.
70...
but I was sweating.  Needless to say, the AC came back on Monday.
After Sunday night's sweat-a-thon, I didn't really care if I woke up to frostbite.
I was on a mission at that point.
But the week has been great thus far...people getting everything back under control before the holidays hit.  Always a good plan.
I'll touch on some of that as we near the only time of year when people justify eating anything, everything, and then popping Xanax like Pez to survive social functions.  I get it, but like to opt for a slightly more sensible approach...

Its about that time.
...the bed is calling, and I am on my way.  Have a great night folks and get your mind right for another hump day...

Switching To Vodka...

Waking up to a 62 degree house and a whining feline was enough to make me crawl out of bed and move as quick as possible to the coffee pot.
Had I been timed I would have broken a record,...but it was certainly a staggering sprint attempt.
Its finally starting to feel like Fall around here, which is nice, but it takes us southern souls a little time to adjust.  Last night I got together with my neighbors around a fire pit and you would've thought it was below freezing.  Pretty sure I lost all feeling in my hands after 8pm. 
Its in those moments that a snuggie actually makes sense.
And lets be honest, it should never really make sense.
You can either have a blanket, a hoodie, or a sweat-inducing tarp.  Not all three.

We had a blast, and I am thankful to live around an awesome group of folks.  Let me rephrase that,....an awesome fertile group of folks.
At one point I look up and every other female was standing there with a baby bjorne strapped on like a parachute. 
I suddenly felt the urge to run home, pee on a stick, and vow to stop drinking the local water.
Vodka.  I'd switch to vodka...

Its been weird not working AT ALL the last couple of days,...amazing I haven't lost my sanity yet.  Key word: yet.  Sometimes I do need the mental break (shocking, I know).
Although I am staying pretty busy otherwise with projects and what not around the house.
I finally had to spend a couple of hours reorganizing my closet and throwing crap out.  I did manage to get rid of a few pairs of shoes (yay me), but that was pretty much like removing 2 buds from a full grown chia pet.  Thus, I really shouldn't pat myself on the back as so much kick myself in the rear for being a total shoe whore in the first place.

So here's just the boot and sneaker section...I call it section "A"...

No need for judgement,...as always, I completely judge myself.
So that's what I've been up to amidst other things.  Although today I do need to get some computer work done and send out emails until carpol tunnel takes over...

Coffee setting in.....getting my mind right for cardio.....here we go Saturday...
Make it a great weekend folks!

Free Hugs Always Win....Unfortunately

What a week.
I could have sworn it was Thursday, and yet hump day was staring me down like a hawk.  Damn that hump.  It was a fairly normal Wednesday, but coming off of less sleep and some never-ending rash-like stress, it felt like Thursday....or Friday...or Saturday afternoon when my intentions of having a life are superseded by my desire to nap with my cat.
At 30, I live life on the edge...

However, my reason for a later bedtime was a good one....birthday dinner with the family to celebrate Jordan's 26th year on this planet as the favorite Parker child.
Its fine, he always has been...and quite honestly he deserves the title.  Surviving in the house with me and David 15 years ago is a fete that at least deserves a plaque, ribbon, or lifetime supply of Zoloft just in case.
I'd ask mom for money, and he'd ask for hugs.
How is any normal human being supposed to compete with that?
...I just stood there empty-handed, looking like a jerk, and more apt to soak the moment in sarcasm than give a bear-like embrace.
Tragic.
Ah but here we are years later and fully recovered...maybe...


In fitness news...
My next article will be finished soon and I'm pretty pumped about this one.  I say that about every one and I realize my opinion is slightly bias...
I'm ok with that.
But this one really hits at a huge theme that I encounter E-V-E-R-Y-D-A-Y.  I constantly deal with people whose mindset about fitness/health/nutrition/habits is more like some kind of victim to their environment rather than seeing the open opportunity to alter the very things they let control them.  Amazing.  WE HAVE CONTROL.  What a new concept.
And yet too often we resign ourselves to a passive participant in this journey known as health, and waste time wishing things were different.
Ah, so I finally get it all on paper....Creating A Successful Fitness Environment.  This is NOT just about cleaning out the pantry and joining a gym...I cover the little things that will ultimately make a HUGE difference in your ability and rate at which you achieve your goals....from the plate to the people you surround yourself with.  Because ALL these things contribute (good or bad) to your health. 
So there ya go,....it will be in front of your eyes in just days :)

Well, that's it for tonight...a short day tomorrow and then holy crap a couple of days off...what in the world will I do....

Fried Butter and Gin & Juice

I swear I turn around and the weekend is gone.
Poof.
Vanished.
...And the next thing I know the Monday alarm is going off along with my sanity...

I had a relatively quiet weekend,...with the exception of a trip to Target...and Wal-mart.
Hitting both those stores within 24 hours on the weekend is a near death wish.  It never fails that I choose the line with the lowest IQ requirement and busted scanner, coupon nazi, or
price check for 13 of the 15 items on the belt.  However, I never complain when I get a cashier who refuses to spend more than 5 seconds on a price check and just starts making up numbers. 
Its a paperless coupon.
Happy birthday everyone.
Thankfully, my experiences were not so bad this go-round.  I escaped the mad-house known as Saturday in retail world without pulling out my hair, ceasing public outings all together, or vowing never to bear children after witnessing a 3 year old exorcism over a pack of skittles.
You may be making a point to your child,...meanwhile everyone within a 50 yard radius is deaf in one ear and completely swearing off sex until 2015.

Today was pretty standard in the gym world....with a handful of people needing to burn off a few extra calories from the State Fair.
Yeah, some of the "food", (and I use that term loosely), absolutely blew my mind.  Apparently we Americans will fry the crap out of anything.....and then fry it again....
But I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to go.  We went every year growing up, so its more about the tradition of it I guess.
Dad would have us there before the gates open, freezing, making sure fanny packs were ready to roll and we all knew where the Red Cross building was in case we got lost.  That was always interesting...
"If we lose you, just go there and we'll get you."
....uhhh....so are we talking like right after you discover you lost me, or going to just let me marinate in my poor decision making and Keds for a bit and pray for the best?...
Oh 1989 how we miss you.

My night concluded with a few teenagers and the dramatic stories to follow.  They are always entertaining and whether I need to know it or not, I end up hearing who broke up with who, who wants to breakup, what tests are coming up, and what mom doesn't know about the weekend...
I could literally sell information by Monday night.
Crazy kids...
Yes, I say kids as if I'm 62.  I practically am.  But I definitely feel it when a song comes on from high school and they are all like "who is this?"...as if they'd remember jamming out to Snoop Dogg in their diapers.
Maybe they were.
Parenting award denied right there....mainly for lack of good judgement.  Oh I appreciate some ol Dogg,...just not fully supportive of a 5 year old spouting off the lyrics to Gin & Juice.

On that lyrical note, I am headed to bed...
Night folks!!

A Beautiful Mess

12:15 and I am just now sitting down to my plate-o-protein-pancakes.
Pumpkin flavor.
Topped with PB2.
Highlight of the day right here....which isn't saying much about my day, but I go a little cra-cra over some pumpkin stuff.  Smells, tastes, I don't discriminate...I like it all.
The yankee candles are probably my favorite.  Why I spend $22 on a burning scent of awesome only to throw away the jar and long for more is beyond me.
And yet worth it.

In the midst of my highway rant the other day I failed to mention what an amazing day I had on Thursday in the gym.
Every now and then people will unknowingly meet us where we are with words that are perfectly timed and yet catch us off guard.  Our reaction is thus raw and uninhibited.  It can be a mess, but a beautiful mess...
Long story short, a woman brought me to tears right there in front of the leg press before 10am.  I was in no way prepared for her genuine gratitude and overflowing sense of personal achievement.  Over the course of our time together she'd conquered fears, physical limitations, internal doubt, and truly allowed me to pull her out of her comfort zone.
Because she reached,...did the work, and ultimately proved to herself what I was already certain of.
As she was tearing up I was beyond overwhelmed, and she may have thought I'd brought her to a "new place" in her journey, but she had no clue how much she fed my soul in that moment.
Yes, believe it or not I am not always a heartless meathead ;)
I was coming off an emotionally and physically draining few days, and I'd be lying if I said there were not times it took all the strength I had to make it through the afternoon and a dozen more clients. 
...Her words refueled me.  Her personal strength and conviction that she's worth it, can do it, and will do it fueled us both.

That was not the last time I cried that day.  (Shockingly, the second time was not related to a coffee shortage or another highway nightmare).
...It was just one of those days.  Perhaps not what I expected, but what I needed, and such a reminder once again why I adore the opportunity to do what I do...

Stuck In The Middle

The ebb and flow of my week never ceases to amaze me.
By Wednesday morning I was operating on adrenaline and enough caffeine to wake the dead.  Apparently 4 hours of sleep leaves me looking like a nightmare because a handful of clients commented on my "tired" appearance....which we all know is code for "you look like hell."
I won't deny it.
I did.
Glossy eyes, clammy skin, slight stumble when walking.....I was either sleep deprived or had been drinking and didn't know it.
Generally I know it.
By the time I left work I was honestly in another world, and had I known I'd nearly lose my mind on the highway I would have slept on the PT table in the back...
 Yeah, here we go.
For the most part I think I have pretty reasonable expectations on the road: use a turn signal, go at least the speed limit, if you're in the fast lane and people are lapping you get over and reassess your life and consider a bike, skateboard, or anything topping out at 25mph.....
Very reasonable.
And probably towards the top of my list is this,...do not ride my bumper like the NASCAR legend you are not when there is a line of traffic clearly not speeding up.
I about lost my you know what right there by exit 266.  There is just something ironic about a Hyundai on your bumper,....like being thumped repeatedly in the knees by a 5 year old. 
So there I was with a Hyundai on my rear while facing the backside of a Prius...
If I were going to go down on the highway, that would absolutely be the scenario right there.  Not a Cadillac or even minivan with more features than my TV....nope, I face plant into the ass of a Prius.
I made it home alive.
I left my sanity at exit 266.

On that note, I am pooped and have a semi-full day tomorrow capped off with a dinner date with Sparkles.
Mom is so excited she can't stand it.  $100 says she squeals at least 3 times while we're eating...
Its amazing I survived by childhood.

More to come tomorrow.  But I do want to thank my dear dear Melissa AGAIN for delivering starbucks to me this morning.
Unbelievable and what an awesome surprise....like candy to a baby :)

3 Beers and a Chicken Leg

I think I could win an award for most squash consumed in a 5 day span.  Its a little ridiculous, and the cashier generally looks at me as if I'm stocking up on the yellow veggie-o-awesome in preparation for the Apocalypse.
I'm not.  I just happen to eat an absurd amount and apparently think that warrants a ribbon, trophy, or honorable mention of some sort.
See, this is a prime example of a generation that was pat on the back growing up for basically everything from good grades to farting correctly. 
Give us praise for anything....for the love of God, lie to us and tell us we're great...
Unbelievable.

Well, it was a typical Monday in the gym, catching up with clients about their weekends, nutrition confessionals, and a few reminders that using a magic wand on inner thigh fat works about as well as sitting on it.
While I am truly grateful for clients' honesty about their journey and "where they are" from an emotional and personal perspective standpoint, there are often common themes that I deal with on a daily basis.
So yes, by the end of the week when I've addressed the problem-with-eating-whatever-you-want-and-thinking-you're-immune-to-fat-storage-and-a-heart-attack issue, I am pretty much ready to assault someone with an eggplant in an effort to break their way of thinking.
Apparently that's frowned upon.
Which is crap.
But today the reoccurring subject I talked about with numerous clients was NUTRITIONAL CONSISTENCY.

I see/hear it All. The. Time.
"Meredith, I ate so well Monday thru Friday, "slipped" on the weekend, but I don't understand why I'm not losing weight."....or...."I've been eating good for a week, why am I not losing?!"....or the best is "I eat 'GOOD' almost all the time" coupled with a food journal that looks like a recipe for diabetes, and then they're in awe of the fact that their pants are still tight.
Bottom line:...You didn't gain the weight overnight, and you certainly won't lose it overnight.  Expect it to be hard, expect it to take time, and you won't be disappointed when it does.
Will a couple days a week of nutritional mayhem hinder progress?  ABSOLUTELY.  Just from a numerical standpoint, lets say you consume just 700 extra calories on the weekend above your maintenance and what you are burning,...if you are NOT burning that off in the days after and continue that trend, in just 5 weeks you're looking at an extra pound.  Granted, that is with the assumption that calories during the week are completely on point.  Also, 700 is a conservative number for the majority of folks...being football season and the rampant beer-consumption, you're looking at 3 beers and a chicken leg.  That's like 1st quarter warm-up for most.
5 weeks...1 pound.
52 weeks in a year...~10 pounds.
Hello.

Long story short, consistency is paramount when it comes to nutrition.
One meal does not make or break you.  Just like one day of not flossing doesn't cause gingivitis.  Its our HABITS good or bad that will ultimately sway our bodies into a fat-loss state, maintenance, or weight-gain state.  And amazingly, we have complete control over what goes in our mouths.
Crazy thought, I know.
Hey, take away my sarcasm and it only leaves interpretive dance for me to comunicate.
And that gets me in trouble...

Whew, what a day.
Tomorrow, more of the same and Wednesday is projected to be a the longest humpday known to man. 
Wednesdays are the unfortunate rash of the week. 
Always there.  Stays around longer than you'd like. 
And leaves you calling your best friend about it afterwards...

Elbow-To-Rear...

Its turning out to be a rainy Saturday and I am more than thrilled about it.
Don't ask, its just completely fine with me.  I see a nap in my future...which will make for 2 days in a row.  I love it.  Ironic that I fought it so hard in kindergarten, and now I actually want that germ infested red mat and awkward mid-day slumber party with 20 other people.
Guarantee you that I wouldn't waste time playing the don't-laugh-because-you-can't-but-really-want-to game with my best friend.  No, I'd be one REM cycle away from a coma or paradise view/dance-off with Channing Tatum.
And by "dance-off" I mean him dancing....with his shirt off....

Yesterday the nap was not exactly planned, but I literally had no choice.
I was counting the minutes until my massage Friday afternoon, and by the time I got home I was completely worthless.
I felt horrible and immediately got on the couch........which I didn't leave until about 5 hours later....
Ridiculous, but much needed.
The massage was great, but when an elbow goes driving into my periformis like a oil rig, it makes for a long 90 minutes.
Yes, 90 minutes....my body was numb by the end and I pretty much wanted to lay in fetal position and cry after that.
Slightly dramatic.

Well, I better get on with my day.
Workouts to write up and errands to run....story of my weekend life... ;)

On Dasher, On Dancer, On Lycra and Spandex...

I will not even lie about the fact that I am listening to Christmas music right now.
Half of you want to punch me....friends included.
25% of you don't care.
And the other 25% are secretly sneaking a Johnny Mathis hit on your ipod, but refuse to admit your love for the ol red and green and fetish for snow globes.  That's fine.
Personally, I show no shame.
I love Christmas time.  The music, the smells, the awkward family moments which may or may not lead to increased closet drinking or medication.....by God its the most wonderful time of the year you haters...

It was a great day in the gym, and began with a morning surprise gift from a client...

Avocado socks!
Love it.
She just returned from a trip to CA, and was so kind to think of me when she saw these....said they had obscene socks too.....I can only imagine.
Great way to start a Tuesday.

The rest of my day was spent pulling up my pants.
Literally.
I made the mistake of not trying on a pair of spandex before I bought them, and paid for it after 13 hours of constantly trying to prevent rocking a saggy-crotch.  Horrible, and yet my own fault.
I saw the brand, the low price, and then it was a moment of retail intoxication.
Good decisions are never made while intoxicated, retail or otherwise.  Stop kidding yourself.
And by 11am, I would have paid the extra $60 to have on pants that didn't travel south after a squat demo and a few push-ups.
I was annoyed and yet helpless at the same time.  I couldn't just get rid of my pants,...legally.
There I was,...stuck in spandex,...migrating crotch,...breaking a sweat pulling the god forsaken things up ALL. Day. Long.
Dear spandex pant makers, if you're going to cut the circulation off at my ankles, consider the fact that everything between my belly button and upper thighs want to join the fully-supported-and-borderline-suffocating party as well.
Thank you.

On that tight note, I am spent and need to get my mind right for another long day.
Back to my overpriced, but much more appreciated pants tomorrow...

Sometimes You Don't Want To Know...

Rainy, gross Monday.
I loved it.
Then again, I don't work outside or even step outside for about 13 hours, so I don't feel like I'm missing anything if there is a monsoon.  Not to say I didn't want to crawl into fetal position on any horizontal surface around 2pm,...perfect napping weather.
Thus, getting on the floor to demonstrate a core exercise was a tease Every. Single. Time.
Ugh...

It was a pretty standard Monday with a few clients back from traveling, surgery, etc...
At one point I look around and find myself outnumbered by teenage boys.  Don't get me wrong, I have a blast with my testosterone-laden adolescents,...however, there are times when I quickly realize a cluster of such is God's form of birth control.
Give me 30 minutes with a handful of them when they're in rare form, and I'll be on the phone scheduling a hysterectomy.
But their stories kill me, and honestly I am thoroughly entertained by it...especially when it comes to the ladies.
A little insight for the younger females,...sometimes they are literally not thinking anything.  Don't quiz them on it, just embrace it.  And when they are thinking, you may not really want to know what.
Keep moving.
Give them a few years and nice dose of reality away from mom, their fan club, and anything referred to as a "lucky" article of clothing that smells like the rearend of a farm animal before you even entertain the idea of naming your children.
Don't act like you never did it.  We all did. 
Looking back, the names were absolutely horrible.  Shocker, I was 12.  I was hardly capable of naming/raising a hamster.

Love my boys...


In other workout news, it absolutely made my day to hear a young woman say she feels so much better about herself and genuinely confident in who she is and where she's headed ever since she started working out.
That is awesome.
I think sometimes we forget that working through the physical struggle in any workout is merely a practice field if you will, for life.  And the more you "succeed", the more confident you become to face things once perceived as impossible.
Suddenly you approach life unapologetic for who you are, and boldly THRIVE amidst anything,...anything.
I was so proud of her for so many reasons, but to hear her claim her truth was the highlight of my day.

Ah, here we go...another day ahead.  Make it great.  

Self-Checkout and Hit-and-Run

Every time I consider doing the "self-checkout" at Harris Teeter, I need a bystander to kindly come up and basically get me in a choke hold until I cry uncle and limp to another line.
It never fails that something won't scan properly, produce numbers are "invalid" or the machine practically blows up.  So then I'm left cursing my inability to master such a task as following instructions from a machine that was apparently manufactured in hell.
Today, the attendant literally had to walk over 3 times to key something in...I was that customer.  The 3rd time it happened the woman waiting behind me just laughed, and I briefly considered the sacrifice of being escorted out of there for the sake of making a point to her and her chuckle...
My patience is often about as good as that of an angry child.
And I should honestly know by now that going through the self-checkout with a ton of produce is inefficient and causes a headache for all parties involved.  Mainly me.
It's ironic if you think about it that self-checkout basically means I-don't-work-here-but-let-me-do-your-job-for-you.  When I say it like that, its not as appealing and quite frankly irritates me even more that I got in the line to begin with.
I'd possibly rather get behind the woman with a scrapbook full of coupons and a screaming child who apparently hates life, the word "no", and me.
Longest 15 minutes ever and happens to me more than you'd think.
Please explain the reasoning behind stockpiling mouth wash and dish detergent like everyday is Armageddon.  When the ship goes down, guess what you're not going to need?  Mouth wash and dish detergent.  Amazing.
Stop kidding yourself, its glorified hoarding. 
No, I don't clip coupons, shocker....if I happen to scroll across one to save me a dollar, awesome,...but to sit down and create a book and then proceed to piss off everyone behind me in line, is simply not worth it.  Evidently it only takes me 2 avocados and some faulty bar codes in the self-checkout to achieve that.

Weekend was good...
I caught up with some friends, had a lovely dinner with my girl Katherine,...

...and am now getting ready for a more-than-full week.  My body hates me, and to say I'm tired is an understatement, but onward we roll.
I've got a shorter work week that is capped off with a golf tournament out at Treyburn.  I was out there last year and it was great to meet the players, gain clients, and basically watch men talk trash to one another at 9am on a Thursday.
Men never seem to change in that regard...

I went for a jog tonight and my body is simply not used to night-time workouts anymore.  I thought I was going to throw up for the last 20 minutes,....and as I'm passing a group of kids on the last stretch it was all I could do not to get trampled by a power wheels while avoiding projectile vomit on a 6 year old.  At that point I was almost hoping he'd take me out at the knees so I'd face plant and be out of my misery.
Pretty sure that would have sparked a phone call and an explanation that wouldn't have mattered, lets be honest.  You go to your neighbor to borrow a tool, say hello, not to explain why you threw up on their child.  Period.
Even after my dinner, I still don't feel 100%...which better change before 4am for the sake of everyone tomorrow...

On that note, I am headed to the 'ol bed...

NY Bound and Oral Issues...

Where do I begin...

Since Monday I'm fairly certain my ability to run on adrenaline and a relatively high dose of protein+caffeine+sarcasm has increased tenfold.  At least I'm not in denial about it....however, any attempt to change such is met with complete rebellion.

Its been a busy week with clients, other business work, and....booking my girls weekend in NY!  Believe it or not, this caboose has never made it to the big city.
I know.
Almost anti-American.
Thus, after being on this planet 30 years, it was well over-due.
I am going with 2 women I basically grew up with through middle school, volleyball, college, and after seeing my bare rearend more times than any person should, remain my friends.
So when I get an email verifying the hotel and informing me to pack my party pants, naturally I pack a helmet as well.
I like to be prepared.  Apparently for parties and concussions.
Ironically, Sparkles and her side kick Happy Feet are going up 2 weeks later.
New York, brace yourself.  The Parkers are coming.

So, I'm about to expose an oral issue.  And when I say "issue" its more like an addiction...but issue sounds better.  Lets go with that.
A little over a year ago, I was challenged to give up chewing gum for a month.  Sounds pretty simple and yet by day 3 I was ready to strangle a goat for the sake of 2 orbits and a slab of Wrigley's.  Perhaps more of it has to do with the fact that if I don't have gum in my mouth I am constantly yawning.  Slightly problematic when counting to 10 while someone is sucking wind and cursing my existence.  I can't time-out for a yawn,...practically like kicking them while their down.
Therefore, I chew.
And literally chew until my jaw hurts and the gum has a beef-jerky texture and is causing arthritis in my face.
All that to say that with the stress and what not of late, my "oral issue" has only gotten worse and I need to swear it off completely.  I don't do moderation with gum.  I know my limitations.  I mean my God, I walked up to the BP counter after work with 3 packs of gum and some tic-tacs,....the lady looked at me like threw condoms, a handy snack, and a roll of duct tape up there.
$6 worth,...knowing that had I waited to get to Sam's Club I could have bought a case for that amount, stood behind the person buying 10lbs worth of beenie weenies, and completely avoided the judgement altogether.
But there I was, getting my fix for $6.
A weakness exposed.  There ya go.
God help everyone when I give it up.  Suddenly I feel like a smoker, but with better breath and ok, a decreased chance of death.
Ok, not the same, bad analogy.
You get the point.

Time for bed.
Back at it again tomorrow for another long day...