Potty Pics

Spent.
I made the mistake of staying up past my bedtime last night, and right now I am paying for it.  I say that like it was 2am,.....it was 10:15.  2am would cause me to go into convulsions.
I am not a night owl by any stretch of the imagination.
You know that friend that's like "Whatever you need!  Call me in the middle of the night!  I'm here for ya!".......eh well, I'm not that friend.
I will answer the phone, yes.  But if its followed with swear words a a minor death threat before I come help, don't be offended.  Just put me on speakerphone to get the full effect and roll on.

Speaking of phones...
One of the highlights today was receiving a picture from my brother of my niece on the toilet.
Seriously.
Almost 2 years old, she was sitting there wearing his sunglasses and hat clearly showing that poop who's boss.
True Parker.
I am easily entertained.


Work day was great, although I've got a few slackers I need to give a quick kick in the rear.
No, I am not big believer in dragging people by their hair to reach their goals.  I walk beside you,...not in front, not in back.  Either you want it or you don't.  Either you do the work or you don't.  Its pretty much that simple.
As a trainer, I cannot will someone into determination, drive, or any effort above what they are personally willing to give at a given moment. 
You will always give to the extent YOU DECIDE to in the gym.
Fact is, I can only push as far as a client allows....Will they say I asked them?  Ha, no.  But I'm spending just as much time studying THEM as I am their form, movement patterns, and anything physical.  And holy crap is everyone different!
I've got some who hate to even break a sweat, and others who want a near-death experience every time.  Never a dull moment.
But all that to say, don't let a few bad days turn into weeks, or months before you're "back on track."  Its a process, a lifestyle, with ups and downs but always about moving forward and improving.
And it truly boils down to a daily decision to keep going.


Well, a few more emails to answer and then I've got to get my mind right for my morning cardio.
Yikes.
Night folks.

Sweater Stretchers

Its been awhile.
I think my body is battling the pleague.
I "slept in" this morning until 6, had 3 cups of coffee, made my meals for the week, and then hit a massive wall.  I was so drained I could hardly think straight, let alone face another 12 hours and pretend to carry on like a normal human being.
I did the unthinkable for a productivity-driven-OCD-sun-up-to-sun-down person.....I got back in bed.  Even after all that caffeine I was asleep in 2 seconds and slept well past 10am.
Unbelievable.
The only logical thing to do when I woke up (for a second time) was to text my best friend to let them know I was possibly dying.
It was met with laughter.
This is my life.
And that was the start to my Sunday...

Amazingly, I still got in my cardio today despite feeling like death.  My line of thinking was that as long as I was feeling down, why not hop on a treadmill to complete the experience...
So I did.
Honestly, I was thankful all I had was cardio today because lifting anything more than my head off a pillow was probably not going to happen.
Tomorrow, different story.

The highlight of my weekend was probably bra shopping.
Let me tell you something,...bra shopping is about as much fun as a rectal exam,...which I've never had but imagine its a whole new level of horrible for all parties involved. 
I adore the customer service at Nordstrom, but when the lady sets me up in a dressing room with 17 bras to try on, I almost pulled a shirtless ninja move on her.
I was exhausted just looking at them all.  From floral to neon, to wire, no wire, crossed straps, to something straight out of a porn, it was overwhelming.  After 3 I was breaking a sweat, and there was no shot I could get them back on the hanger like they were before.
There's a reason I don't do this all the time.
And it is hard finding bras for athletically built women.  I often begin the shopping experience by explaining to the sales women I need something that doesn't cut off circulation in my lats.  Then there's always a chance she goes "your lats??"...in which case, I walk away and vow to live in sports bras the rest of my life.
Thank God the lady Saturday was great....with the exception of keeping me busy for 40 minutes in the dressing room, I was able to find something, there was no bloodshed, and I didn't break the bank.
HOWEVER,...I still want to know how in the world my bra costs as much as the one I could wear on my head for protection during Hurricane Hooters? 
Its less than half the material.
This makes no sense to me.
Nonetheless, I am fully stocked and ready to face life a little more supported.


Weeelllll, another week ahead.
I've got several new clients in the books and ready to roll.  I've got an article to write for our website (activedgefit.com) which is a new addition and very exciting.  I'll post the link once its up and running.  There will be a new article every couple of weeks written by myself, Isaac, Brian, or Jeremiah.  Very cool.  And I am open to ideas/questions if you want to shoot some my way!

Ok folks, make it a great week.  A healthy week.  Mind right, body right!

Shoulders, Habits, and Rigamortis

I'm officially falling apart.
My left shoulder feels like it may just give out at any moment.
Brian thinks I strained my rotator cuff,...either way it is pretty worthless at this point and I have no time for my appendages to be less than functional.
Ridiculous.

Its been a great week thus far, and seems to be a week of getting people back on their fitness train.  Dear Lord,...evidently it was the weekend of debauchery.
Nutritional heathens.
I do appreciate their honesty, but I have maybe a smidgen of sympathy when it comes to choosing to make poor health decisions.  Ok, not even a smidgen.
Don't get me wrong, I get it.
I do not expect perfection from anyone or myself.
HOWEVER, we are what we repeatedly do.  Its the habit that is the problem.  When a day becomes a week, and a week becomes 3,...its a vicious cycle that at some point becomes a daily choice.
A personal choice.
No one is twisting your arm to skip a workout, eat crap, stay up late, drink like you're 21 and stupid (the two go hand in hand),....you get my point.

As I told one client this morning, you truly have to find your motivation on a DAILY basis.  Whatever it is, find it.  Create it.  It will never find you.
Set the alarm.
Get up.
Make it a healthy day.
Go to bed satisfied.
Repeat.
Its not rocket science, but it does require discipline, focus, and a desire to improve daily.

* * *

Speaking of workouts, I was plugging along through my own workout on Monday when I look up and see one of my dearest friends of nearly 15+ years pressing her chest against the window.
I've never been so excited to see a D-cup in all my life.
She pulls up in her work van (she runs a transport service), and it occurred to me that there just might be a body in the back.  I don't know how she does it, but I don't think I could honestly cruise the highway blasting some Kanye with a tag along who happens to be void of a pulse.
Freaks me out,...but she's a machine.
We caught up while I sweated through the rest of my chest/tricep assault, and I was thankful for the laughs...even though I nearly wet the bench a couple times....eh...

Its about that time.
I'm beat and have a 4am meeting with my coffee before a 5am meeting with the treadmill.
MAKE IT a great day tomorrow folks.

Birthday Boy and The Squealer

Its St. Patrick's Day and I honestly think the last time I really celebrated was in 2005. 
Senior year at Elon so naturally we had to whip out the food coloring, green beads, and have a few photos to remember the times.
Some people don't remember.
Good thing I had a camera...

Speaking of, I asked clients all week if they had weekend holiday plans,....and note to self: Don't ask a 75 year old British woman what she's doing for St. Patty's day. 
I might as well have cranked out the fireworks, watermelon, and belted the Star Spangled Banner while I was at it.
I received the look of death.
Point taken.

In other Parker family news, Happy Feet officially turns 59 today!!  I called the house to wish him a happy birthday and it was clear that man had not settled down all day. 
Him and Sparkles were probably just finishing up some hokey-pokey and pinata-busting festivities.  Mom would fill it with glitter, sprinkles, and something clobbered in puff-paint.
Way too much happy going on over there.

Happy Birthday Dad, love you!!!

Speaking of, I asked mom the other day why she felt the need to actually squeal when she hugs me.
Seriously, its a squeal.
She just smiled, shrugged her shoulders...and squealed again.
...sometimes I feel as though I may have been adopted and this is all a scam....

Ah yes, back on board tomorrow.
Its been an exhausting weekend to say the least, and after having to nap both days, I need a solid night's sleep and be ready to roll tomorrow.  Busy days ahead...
Have a great night folks!

My Thut.

My rear might literally mold to this recliner.
Its been a long day, which started with a migraine at 4am.  It was great,....waking up feeling like I took a 5th of Jack to the face somewhere between stages 3 and 4 of REM.
Apparently I was pre-gaming for my Thursday.
I swear it was 9am before I felt remotely normal.

Thank God I had a better workout today than Tuesday.  I needed to redeem myself,...or simply refocus.  Shoulders and biceps.  I finished on the roller practically in tears as I was laid out like a walrus afterwards.
I could hardly move.
Good for me, yes....but still painful.

Brian brought in donuts today.
I do not support some of his eating habits, although am quite jealous of his ridiculous metabolism.  He will eat the entire box of chocolate-sprinkle-covered donuts and somehow lose weight,....and I'll look at one and all of a sudden the sugar is migrating to my thut like nomads.
Yes, thut.
The area between my thighs and butt.
I was talking with a client the other day about this, and how it was like all of a sudden after college I look down and WHAM! life was no longer the same.  Guys, you have no sympathy which is fine. 
I get it. 
...Just appreciate the fact that fat didn't all of a sudden appear to crowd your crotch as a post-graduation gift.
I needed a job,...not a reason to avoid corduroy.

On that note, more to come Friday.  I am exhausted and have a lot to do before heading out to see my golfers tomorrow.
My goal is to stay sober through the night and avoid head pounding in the morning.
We'll see how that goes...

Not Quite Reality...

Why are we going crazy over The Bachelor...?...
Did I miss something?
I felt like every time I turned around today it was all over the TV...the girls...the guy....way his kissed...the destinations...yadda yadda
I can't get into it.  I watched one season a few years ago and decided then that they were all pretty much kissing whores and hoped at least one left with an incurable rash.
Horrible, I know.
I will be Debbie-Downer for a second because the entire thing is bogus.  Of course 2 people will fall in love in the tropics while sipping wine, frolicking in the waves, and wearing next to nothing.
Put me there with the guy I nearly grabbed by the throat one night and college and my God sparks may fly despite his tendency to be tool 100% of the time.
Let's get real.....Put them in a 700 sq ft apartment with 2 screaming kids, a bipolar dog, and tell them to figure it out.  If they still want to get it on after no sleep, a handful of arguments and sharing a single toilet, awesome.  More power to them.
Its amazing my reality show ideas never make it...

Well, its been a hectic week, but thankfully I am on the mend with this cold.
My goal is to be fully capable of breathing by Friday. 
We'll see how that goes.

Workouts have been solid lately, but I really need to step up my game with the cardio.  I truly wish that I could wake up one day and just want to run....actually look forward to it.  I don't.  I do it, but I often enjoy it about as much as that midnight throat experience Tommy-the-toolbag had back in '01.
Tomorrow, just me and that treadmill.
Game time.

It was short and sweet tonight.  Pretty spent....
Night folks.

Gassy Clients and Sleep Deprivation

Daylight savings in the Spring is Mother Nature's punch in the throat.
Depriving me of an hour of sleep pretty much effects everyone around me for the next few days....by Wednesday I'll either be fully adjusted or a mini-social-nightmare.
Time will tell.
Every pun intended.

Speaking of, I am currently sucking down some coffee to stay up and watch the Duke/Carolina battle at 9pm.  Might as well be at midnight.
For the sake of viewers on the West coast??!...
East coast gets the shaft every single time.
Ok, actually only those of us on the East coast who find it torturous to stay up past any 4 year old.  I see double digits on the clock and you'd think I was seconds away from losing a kidney or turning into a wildebeest.  So dramatic.
Heck, even Cinderella stayed up til midnight...past midnight.
Tramp.
Needless to say, it will be a miracle if I make it to halftime...


What a great week.
Honestly, it was long and exhausting, but absolutely rewarding.
By Wednesday night I told Sparkles on the phone I'd met my word limit for the week, so she could continue to talk, but whether or not I'd listen or respond was questionable.
She continued.
Shocker.
I was just drained, and by that point had a full-blown head cold I was battling.  I honestly do not remember the last time I had a cold.  Norovirus, yes, cold...no.
I couldn't breathe, runny nose, headache, blah blah blah.  More annoying than anything.
Tired, sick, was farted on during a new assessment,...I mean my God, the week was hating me.
Yes, I was farted on...it was loud, and I nearly pulled a muscle trying not to laugh.  I don't care who you are, when someone breaks wind that sounds like a foghorn, its funny.  If you can't laugh at that, you need to reassess your life.
Point is, the week was kicking my rear from every angle...

BUT, Thursday was a day of redemption.
I had a new golfer who came to me with severe back pain, wanted to simply enjoy the game again, and get at the root of the problem. 
During that hour we talked about posture, core strength, rotational limitations, where he has pain, when he has pain, and the list goes on...
I could tell he was doubtful at this point that anything would help or come remotely close to allow him to swing a club consistently without popping Advil like Pez.
One exercise after another we worked on firing certain muscles and putting himself in correct position to execute any move I asked.  To see that man "get it" and walk out of there feeling good and amazed his back was not hurting was truly the highlight of my week.
Yet again I was reminded why I love what I do.  Perfect timing...

Well, I'm about to grill up some Salmon and completely smoke this place out with fish smell.
Oscar will probably drool til he's dehydrated.
Crazy feline.

Have a good night folks,...and make tomorrow great. :)

Crappy Vocals

I wish I could sing.
Honestly, I am sitting here watching American Idol and am quite envious of the talent on stage.  If I had an amazing voice I would literally rip the radio out of my car, sing to myself, and give myself a perfect score every time.
If you're riding with me, guess what, free concert.
You're welcome.
Ironically, when I was little I used to sing to my mom and have her give me a score on a scale from 1 to 10.  What a horrible thing to ask Sparkles to do.  Poor thing was probably praying for her eardrums to burst during the chorus to relieve her of the request.  Amazingly, she would grin and bear it.
Truth is, when you can sing well people actually ask you to.
No one's ever asked me to sing.  At least not since 1987 when it involved hand motions, a ruffle skirt, and a 50/50 chance of wetting my pants in front of everyone.  Odds are pretty much the same in that department, although the vocals sub-par for someone with a fully functioning larynx...


Onto more important things.

I mentioned yesterday that I'd address snack vs. "meal" food, so here goes...
One of the most common questions I get asked is "what are some healthy snack options?"  People often get frustrated that it seems easier to prepare a healthy "meal" than to find foods ok for snack time in between.  Common choices people tend to think of are crackers, cheese, yogurt, granola bars, protein bars, pretzels, chips, 100 calorie packs of crap....and the list could go on.  Its as if we've created 2 separate lists in our minds : Meal Food,....and Snack Food.  And for whatever reason we think meal food cannot and should not cross over into a the snack column.  Ideally, your eating times should be evenly spaced throughout the day, and thus meals be similar size in terms of calories.
Truth is, the whole mini-meals concept is great not only because it teaches a little more balanced approach to nutrition and overall calorie breakdown, but it also sort of eliminates this whole division thing we've got going on with food.  Not to mention that a 100 calorie snack isn't going to hold you over 3 more hours until dinner.  Why not balance out the calories and opt for a more substantial "meal", just a smaller version?  Meat and veggies, omelet, or salad with a side of yogurt...
It doesn't have to be a stuff-your-face portion size, but it also does not have to be an eat-3-bites-of-something-simply-because-its-considered-"snack-time" portion size either.
Throw the traditional prepackaged mess away, opt for natural healthy choices, and truly start thinking outside of the box.  Literally.

On that healthy note, its almost past my bedtime.  Pooped....but ready for hump day.  

The View from Prison

I am horrible about listening to my voicemail.
Longest minute and 42 seconds of my life. 
And actually feels more like 42 minutes in a prison cell with cast of the View.  I say that because when that show comes on my ears bleed and I can't take it.
Point is, I have voicemails from a week ago that simply need to be erased and I have yet to do it.  Perhaps tomorrow...

It was another Monday in the 'ol sweat room, and clients whined a little less than normal ;)
Eh, kidding...whining doesn't bother me as long as you do it.  Deciding to waste oxygen talking about it is on you.
To say I never whine is a lie,...I can piss and moan with the best of them, but at some point you realize it's pretty pointless.  Unless your goal truly is to waste oxygen.
Then I'd say you are anti-green and the world hates you for it.
Nonetheless it was a solid training day for most, and for those who struggled a little more than usual, you finished.  Period.
New day tomorrow.

My own workout was decent today,...I rolled and stretched afterwards and am finally able to lay on my IT Band without wanting to bang my head against the wall.  I have a massage scheduled for Friday and will be in much need of Ellen's wrath by then.  She laughingly says she's not pressing hard, and yet I'm always one elbow-dig away from threatening her life right there half naked on that table. 
It will be interesting to say the least.  But I can honestly say that everything she's suggested I do, has worked wonders for my physical ailments,....oh the joys of getting older.
...aaaaaand everyone over the age of 30 just gave me the finger.
Sweet.

Bedtime for me.
Tomorrow I want to briefly touch on the topic of "meal vs. snack food"....its come up a lot lately and I think its worth delving into.  Have a great night folks!

Vows and Cockfights

Whew,...what a weekend.
I think I'll spend the next 5 days catching up on sleep, sanity, and recovering from the cloud of extra-firm-hold hairspray that loomed over my head all day Saturday.
Despite the hole I created in the ozone, I've decided that going to get my hair done for a wedding is necessary.  I don't want to even have to think  about it.
I just want to sit there,...spin in the chair,..hold my breath through the hair product, and pray my scalp doesn't bleed from all the bobby pins. 
Worth every penny.

I had a blast with my dear friend Melissa, and even managed to make it through a brief speech during the rehearsal dinner that didn't offend majority of attendees.  I cried.  Shocker.  Cried, cursed, talked about flatulence,...I covered it all.
I wanted to make sure their marriage started off on the right foot...

The wedding was beautiful and it was great to catch up with old friends from high school and a few former coaches.
One in particular, you know who you are, proceeded to recall stories of me and my mouth during travel ball and the day I got nailed in the crotch on the softball field.  Sometimes I'm blown away by what people remember,....and my wit at 15 years old.  Ha.  Seriously though, I guess if they still derive laughter from it, I will take responsibility for something that just may have caused Sparkles to soil herself had she heard it.  Cheers to the good 'ol days!

Speaking of Sparkles,...her and Happy Feet made their debut Saturday night as well...
As I was standing in front of the congregation holding my flowers and sweating like a champ in my spanx, I was so distracted by mom's head.  Literally.
I will give her credit for the edgy creativity with feathers and ornaments,...but the craft project she rocked on her cranium was a little much.  Bless her heart, every time she moved her head during the service it looked like she was about to fall victim to a cockfight on pew 6.
We give her a hard time, I know, and debates are still looming as to whether or not she made it and its a Sparkles' original.  I'd say its a 93% chance.
Rock on mom, rock on...

Well, its back to the grind tomorrow.
I've felt a little out of sorts and extremely busy the last few days, but tomorrow is Monday and will thus find some way to drag me around. 
Ready to get back to the gym, see my peeps, yell at a few adolescents, and then call it a day...