Beach Week 2014

Last night of my vacation.
I am basically glued to the recliner surrounded by emails, books, and an ungodly amount of laundry.  I intended to fold it by now, and if its the thought that counts consider it done.
Two sets of sheets to fold from our beach vacation and you might as well tell me it comes with a complimentary punch in the throat.  Neatly folded sheets is not my forte.  Pillow cases I can handle.  But give me 80 sq ft of Egyptian cotton and I pretty much blackout.  Add the fitted sheet and it becomes a full blown nightmare that ends with me yelling obscenities and vowing to sleep on the couch indefinitely.
I am well aware of my limits...

Vacation was amazing.
7 days with the entire Parker crew,...the beach will never be the same.
We basically got up, drank as much coffee as possible, headed to the beach, stayed there all day, then came in for dinner and more family bonding.....repeat.  I did manage to sleep past 6am each day, which was awesome.  Payton and Haven stayed in my room, so every now and then I'd find myself in fetal position on the side of the bed with a 3 year old foot in my back.  I've never seen a 30lb human sprawl like that and dominate a queen sized bed...

I could honestly devote an entire post to each day of vacation.  The comments, laughs, and random I-can't-believe-I'm-related-to-them moments were priceless.  Here's a quick rundown of a few highlights...

* Sparkles blindly walks into a cement pole while shopping.  The only regret I have is that I didn't have my phone out to capture the moment.  I couldn't comfort her that we were laughing with her and not at her.  We were definitely laughing at her.

* Payton debuts her new single "Naughty [Aunt] Mena"....apparently my new theme song.  Out of all the adjectives, this one is...well...ironic.

* My blood-blister becomes a conversation starter with stranger.  Note to self - wear a damn band-aide.

* Related: 2 toenails fall off.

* Also related: Payton writes song #2 about my toenails falling off, and manages to reference her father throwing seashells at my face on our last beach trip.  Potential American Idol candidate.

* Dad's first attempt at speed scrabble resulted in the words "A" and "I".....nothing more to comment on that.  Pretty self-explanatory.

* Sparkles convinces me to tie "fairy hair" into her scalp.  I judge my myself....and her.

* Urban Dictionary is used more times than not during speed scrabble....generally resulting in me teaching my parents information they should never know or use in public. 


There are many more, I assure you.  And let me clarify my medical issues for a second...
I did not lift weights at all while at the beach....thus, I resorted to cardio.  I ran 5-6 miles Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday....and darn if hump day didn't kick me in the rear.  I returned that day feeling something on the back of my heel:...

Ummm yeah, slight blood blister.
About an hour later, my toenail comes off....and Thursday, another.  I will not show pictures of that because honestly it is gross.  Its happened before, and this is why I just like to lift heavy things and not run until body parts are dismantling.  When those toes hit the salt water I thought I was going to smack my momma.  It was horrible...
They are still hurting, and hopes of a pedicure anytime soon are pretty much shot down.  That, and no romantic foot massages....I will wear socks on every date....for the sake of all parties involved.

I will leave you with a few pics from the Parker vacation 2014...

Will Work For Sleep.

I just woke up from my nap.
The 7 minutes post-ZZZ's are pretty much a drunken haze of consciousness in which my general apathy peaks...
Its quite the sight I assure you.  But I think last week was finally catching up to me, and life was paying me back for the night I got roughly one hour of sleep and rolled into a 13 hour day.  Yeah, that was pretty.  So by Sunday I reached new levels of tired,...to the point that I couldn't even muster up the energy to put on a swimsuit and sleep by the pool...no, I opted for a hoodie, argyle socks, and fetal position with my cat.
I judge myself appropriately for this.
But in my defense it was an emotionally draining week as well.  I had a handful of clients moving away, so its never easy to say goodbye to people who are not only clients, but truly friends as well.  As I stood there with one young woman replaying the last several weeks and her growth along the way, I teared up like a baby.  Some people just grab you.
They walk into your life and you're never the same and forever grateful.
...so there I was praying the "waterproof" label on my mascara wasn't a load of crap.
I cried.  Again.

So here I am.
New week, and trying to catch up on sleep, sanity, and this ungodly pain in my traps.
Yesterday, I had to do the trainer/client challenge....Basically, each month there will  be an exercise that the trainers complete and clients choose to try and beat us on reps, time, or whatever the goal is.  This month was the following:
Single arm dumbbell snatch for 1 minute (women 25% of bodyweight, men 30%), with 1 minute rest between arms.
Sounds simple enough.
Yeah,...I cursed a lot in that 3 minutes.
I had to set the bar for the ladies, and it needed to be filmed and timed while I had witnesses, thus I had to do it in the few minutes I had between clients.  Brian was timing, other clients were counting/watching,...talk about pressure on a Monday.
I get 30 seconds into my right arm and thought holy shit I am going to drop this on my face and Brian will naturally post it on Youtube.  No, I didn't drop it on my face, but the difference in 30 seconds and 1 minute was beyond words.  Guys, I may never joke about that time gap again,...I get it...
My grip was fading and my quads felt like jello.  Some of the reps were a blur, and all I remember after the first arm was dropping the weight, walking in circles and saying shit more times than I could count.
I figured if I was going to waste oxygen on words, it was going to be 4 letter ones.  Story of my life.
The minute rest was a joke.
The left arm struggled, I got through,...and no I don't want to have to do that again anytime soon.  My heartrate was up around 190, and my traps today are so sore I can hardly touch them.  Despite my love of lifting and the gym, I don't want to actually feel my traps throb when I go to lift my coffee mug.  That's when happiness dies for me.

Results:
Weight: 30lb dumbbell
Right arm: 36 reps
Left arm: 33 reps
Total score: 69

I have several new clients this week, which is always exciting.  Fresh meat :).
Well, I am going to finish my cups 6 and 7 of coffee and get this train rolling for my afternoon crowd...
Game time.

Some UV, Market Wine, and A Shoe Horn

Monday.
Sleeping in until 7 was absolutely glorious.  Hey, anything after 4am is a treat, and would be even better still if Oscar knew when it was a holiday and wasn't harassing me by 5 for some food.
No, I don't get up. 
Perhaps me being a horrible owner, but I take my chances that because his brain is the size of a peanut, he'll probably release his temporary resentment and go back to sleep for awhile.  Generally I'm right.
Love it when that happens.

Its been a pretty low key weekend around here.  Catching up on some work, cleaned the house until I was borderline high on Lysol, and managed to throw in some pool time.  I can't complain.
It was hot out there today though.  Some women lay out there all day and hardly start to glisten....Meanwhile, I'm over there practically drowning in my sweat and fighting new levels of dehydration.  It worries me only because if I happen to pass out, I don't exactly want to show up on a gurney in a string bikini.  That would be my luck.
Even better if its my one with sequins. 
...nothing like being mistaken for a sweaty stripper in the ER.
Sorry dad.

Went to the Farmers Market Saturday with fellow trainer, Olivia.  It was my first time this season, and I forgot how quickly I spend money at that place.  The produce is unbelievable, love the flowers, and then by the time I make it around to the wine and random nut butters I'm making all kinds of irrational decisions. 
What do you mean I can't sample the wine at 8am?  Ridiculous.  Like communion....by myself....for the sake of myself...
Samples.  For the love of God, samples.
I think I spent about $60....the amount of lettuce in my fridge right now is out of control.  Green hoarder.

Back to the normal craziness tomorrow.  Full day ahead since we were closed today, and pretty much the same until Friday, when I cap my week off with my annual physical.  Always a pleasant experience at 9am when you get grilled about everything from sleep habits to drug use and sexual activity.
I don't care who you are, that's always an awkward moment.
The smart aleck side of me wants to ask her to start by defining active, and then clarify that the gyno visit itself does/doesn't count.  Because quite frankly anything resembling a shoe horn should not be involved.
I read 50 Shades.  I did not finish.
So after an hour or so I generally resign myself to staring at the ceiling and apathetically allowing any med students to come in and experience the excitement with me.
They smile and say thank you.
...I'm sitting there in an oversized napkin and socks,...the smile is useless, but appreciated.  Bless them.

So there's my week at a glance.  Game time folks.

To My Dukies...

I'm alive.
Still moving,...just a little slower...

The last week was crazy busy, and I'm pretty sure I had a stretch there of 4 days when my total sleep time was in the teens.  I was one restless night from an assault charge....on someone else or myself.
By Sunday Oscar and I were both worthless and managed to sleep all afternoon, do half a load of laundry, and check off zero items from the to-do list.
For someone addicted to their own productivity, that is torturous and sends the anxiety into overdrive.  But honestly, I couldn't fight it.  I went and surprised Sparkles for Mother's Day,...and that combined with little sleep and stress about having little sleep was enough to put me in a coma.
Oscar didn't mind.

Apparently my thigh converts to a pillow.
...perhaps the sluttiest thing I've said all day.

 The weekend was exhausting, but a lot of fun....out with friends, Haven's 3rd birthday party, Duke graduation, friends' 30th, and lots of celebrating in between.
It sounds like I'm popular.
Its a lie.
Dad is probably still sneaking checks somewhere.  Its fine.  I get it. 
Thanks Dad...because I am broke.

But seriously, my body was pooped by the end of all this.  And there was that moment walking to my car at 1:30 Sunday morning in heels when I debated whether or not to rip them off in the parking lot and risk hepatitis.  My apathy was peaking.
I caved.
They came off faster than a stripper's....well....anything.
I should probably update my shots.

It was graduation weekend or most of Durham.  My Dukies were celebrating the end of justifiable late nights and endless studying.  (The two not always correlated).
I've had the privilege of working with a handful of graduate students this year who have truly kept me entertained to no end.  They think I've taught them a great deal, but as any "teacher" would say, I've learned just as much.
On a serious note, I am grateful. 
Grateful for their perspective on life and inspiring drive to move forward and create themselves.  They are sharp and genuinely open to opportunity.  Opportunity presented to them, and opportunity constructed from intentional steps towards a goal.  To say they are focused on the road ahead is an understatement.
I admire that.
I envy the energy they find day in and day out to continue a path that is both difficult and uncertain.
That takes incredible courage.  I applaud them.
But perhaps the greatest thing I've learned is that life in its purest is enjoyed and experienced in the moments we allow ourselves to simply BE. 
...To relinquish any temptation to question the future or recall the past.  Instead, liberate yourself into the moment that IS...and stay there...live...enjoy.

This challenges me on many levels, and for that I am thankful.  I will miss you all more than you know...

Glow Sticks and Pokemon

Where did this week/weekend go?
Nearly facing May.  Crazy.
Before we know it we'll be all pumped in our mesh tank tops setting off fireworks like true Americans do in ungodly temperatures for the sake of summer.

After the complete hectic chaos which was this weekend, I'm amazed I was actually able to sit down and spend 3 hours on a golf article.  (Focus is always questionable on a Sunday afternoon).  However, yours truly was able to get in a nap, so cognitive function was not a total disaster.
After my panic attack spells and basically inability to think clearly for more than a 2 minute span, I was truly thankful to crank out that article.  I'll post a link tomorrow.
Its about golfers' butts.
Seriously.

What a weekend.
One minute I'm catching up on my reading, and the next I'm rocking a glow stick fist pumping myself into a shoulder injury on the dance floor.
Its fine,...I judge myself.  I can hardly take myself seriously mid-fist pump.  Add in a glow stick and I might as well throw in a scrunchie and completely relive the 1994 dream.
You would think after a late night and hip-hop revival that occurred in my lower extremities, I'd automatically sleep in.
uhh...and 6am here I am....
Unbelievable.
I blame a select few,...you know who you are,...and yes it was great ;)

In other alarming news, a family group text went flying around this morning with a picture of Miss Bella.  Dad was included, which is ironic because the man stopped checking email in 2006 and just retired his flip-phone a week ago.  He's never sent a text a day in his life.
Nonetheless, he was included.
I throw in my response text and a few seconds later my phone vibrates and "Dad" pops on the screen.
What. The. Hell.
Not only had the man successfully navigated a touch screen, he included an emoji.
Who is this guy and where is my dad?
No doubt he texted that entire response with his pointer finger, but whatever.  If it was anything like I saw last week as he was showing me pictures, the screen will have a dent by June.
He literally pokes it.  Not a touch, not a tap.  He pokes it like a dead animal.
If anything, its comical to watch.
All that to say, dad officially texts now, and I'm not sure the world is ready.  If he takes notes from mom it will be the oddest combo of hieroglyphics and urban slang you've ever seen.
The second he uses YOLO I'm flushing my phone.

Last but certainly not least, Happy Easter everyone.
It was a quiet holiday for me with church, workout, and a few errands...AND the official reentry of gum back into my life.  Thank. God.
After 40 days, I was ready to give myself arthritis of the jaw with some bubblemint deliciousness.  By 3pm I was fairly close to my goal.
Its the little things... :)

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday!,
...I am off to call Sparkles and see what her and Pokemon are up to...

Power.......fail.

Where do I begin?...
Two days ago I navigated my way to work amidst some ice and what not, then came home to no power.  In the middle of a hectic schedule, selling a house, and trying to maintain some level of normalcy, Old Man winter keeps sucker punching us all.  (I write this as its 68 degrees and sunny outside.  Welcome to NC bipolar weather...)  As of now, I am not projected to get power back for another 3 days.
And I'll be completely honest,...I have no desire to win any kind of award for survival or braving life without modern conveniences, etc etc...
Do I need 3 ply toilet paper and a heated towel?  No.  But I'm not trying to wipe with a leaf and shake-dry either.  Whether or not I should feel bad about it is well, irrelevant at this point.  I don't.
I enjoy lights.
I enjoy a working fridge to store my meat that I didn't have to hunt down myself.
I enjoy heat when its 30 degrees out.
Needless to say, when I come home and am actually able to turn on anything in my house, I will probably hurt myself from excessive celebration in the form of interpretive dance and a few tears.

In other exciting news,...
the Parkers will welcome the first nephew to the mix in August!!!...adding some testosterone to the group and yes of course I cannot wait :)

The girls were a part of the big reveal,...yes, they are rocking swimsuits in the middle of winter.  You don't ask questions, you just roll with it...

Back to the grind tomorrow.
Over the last few days I've felt in a rut with my own routine,...just dragging a little and easily distracted by everything going on.  That bugs me beyond no end.  Mainly because that is my time and I simply want to sweat, not think too much, and just be. 
The last few workouts have been anything but.
I find my mind racing and before I know it I'm lost in distracting thoughts that have nothing to do with the task at hand.  I get on my clients all the time about this, and mainly because it's not fair to yourself to mentally battle through things you cannot do anything about at the moment.  Period.
O so much easier said than done,...I get it.  I do.
So I have to get my mind right for tomorrow...on all levels...

Also coming tomorrow...my go-to salmon/egg/avocado recipe.
Its overwhelming.
And easy.
Remember, we like easy.

Its that time....the bed is calling, and I am pooped.  Night folks!!

Cracked Out...

Snow days simply are not the same at 30 with a job.  Its just a domino effect of work delays, schedule changes, profit hits, and the list could go on.... Versus when you're 12 years old and missing science class and an inevitable locker malfunction seemed like a gift from God.
Waking up to a snow/ice infested road and school cancellations meant my phone was blowing up at 5:30.  By 7am I realized my life would take a downhill turn if my thumbs gave out at any moment...  (Also fleeting thought while holding a cup, bat, or anything with a handle).
I stayed in bed until 7, which was unheard of, and had a caffeine headache by the time I rolled over and manged to get my rearend out of bed.
I was s-t-r-u-g-g-l-i-n-g.  6 cups later I was semi-sane.  Emphasis on the semi-...

Speaking of hands...
I've had numerous people make product suggestions to me about my cracking hands....yes, it is a huge problem, and they hurt like no other from about mid-December until March.  Honestly, it looks like a badger attacked my poor phalanges.  Here's the latest...ugh...

I made it to the gym by mid-day, but with schools out and what not, people cancelled and it ended up being a fairly light day.  All this aggression and so few people to take it out on.  Ok kidding,...sort of.
I had an interesting question thrown at me today...
He asked if I feel mad or frustrated with clients who don't see results,...in the context of taking the responsibility of it solely upon myself.
8 years ago I may have thought a little differently, but today I have to say that in general, no I don't.  (And this goes for any trainer worth a damn)...each party pulls their weight,...no pun intended.  Its a journey side by side, not one dragging another.  I do my part, you do yours. 
The problem is that we are so used to a lifestyle of quick solutions and blaming others for things that are essentially our responsibility.  This inevitably creates a host of problems when it comes to our health and overarching perspective of ourselves.  Until we recognize our ability to change ourselves, we'll remain dependent on others to do so...which is both ironic and sad because...well...they can't.
Not sure if my response surprised my client, but it was honest.
My job is not to GIVE a quick fix, but to empower and cultivate the tools necessary to continue an ever-improving-journey that is marked by personal responsibility, self motivation, and dedication to a greater goal. 
I do my job.
You do yours.

Well, on that note, I am headed upstairs to begin my nightly routine of neosporin, band-aids, lotion, and gloves or these ridiculous hands...

Bright Lights, Boys, and Back Fat....

Last year at this time my house was fully decorated for Christmas, gifts already being wrapped, and Santa practically breaking in the back door.
This year, I have no clue how many days until he puts a handful of coal or feces in my stocking, nor is my tree up.  Ridiculous.
Oh but I have a plan.
Everything is ready to roll, just have to find a few hours of pseudo-sanity to create the mess of getting everything up without ripping my hair out.  The thought of stringing lights on a tree gives me hives.  It will be one of those things I do at like 5am before all the caffeine has kicked in and my brain hasn't had a chance to fully embrace the anxiety attack waiting to happen with 500 lights and a fake spruce.
Strap on your helmet and light-up sweater vest, its going to be an interesting holiday season folks...

Today was a pretty standard Monday in the gym, however I swear I was swimming in testosterone all day.  Generally, I see more women than men, but today I think it was reverse.  My teenage boys trip me out the most though.  Stories, perspective on life,...never a dull moment.  Its only about 30% of the time that I have to threaten lives to make sure they truly hear what is coming out of my mouth.  God help my children one day...

I had a client message me today about his fat.
Yes, his fat.
And honestly I hear some version of this all the time,..."I'd rather store fat in my ____, than my _____."   Fill in the blanks as you wish between gut, butt, thighs, back, etc...
Hell, from the age of 12 to 20 I practically begged God to cause the migration of my fat to head towards the general chest area. 
Then I gave up,...and after listening to Garth Brooks' "Unanswered Prayers" on repeat for the better part of 8th grade, I gathered myself together and trashed my dreams of ever working at Hooters...or on a pole. 
You're welcome dad.
But on a positive note, if I ever need to wear my sportsbra backwards I am totally there...

So back to my client's fat...(sounds so uplifting)...
Bottom line is we cannot control WHERE our bodies choose to store fat.  That is genetic.  Also, there are no exercises than directly cause fatloss in one specific area when performed.  Period.
Throw that idea out right now.
Whether your body is actually in a fat-burning state boils down to nutrition and overall caloric expenditure (including lifestyle/exercise).  Believe me, if I could immediately zap fat right off the hips of people with a few exercises, I would....and charge enough so my rearend would not be rolling out of bed at 3:45 in the morning more often than not.
But I can't, and the fact is that fat-loss requires work and dedication.  Should it be miserable?  Absolutely not.  But, it takes effort and attention to the things that contributed to the issues in the first place.

Well, on that note, I am beyond exhausted and need to sleep fast....
Tuesday will be here shortly...woohoo!  Game time!

Hood Nap...

Just woke up from a nap.
Ah, there is nothing like napping in a hoodie. 
Flat on my back, hood on, hands in, feet crossed,...and I was out in about 12 seconds.  Waking up was a pretty sight,...ok not really,  but after a few moments of "What day is this? Where am I? Why can't I feel my legs?"..I regained a functional level of sanity.  Thank God.
Amazingly, that nap came about 20 minutes after 3 cups of coffee.
...Perhaps I need to consider cutting back.
That was a joke you blasphemous haters.

This week has been fairly normal, but I swear every time I turn around people are getting sick.  Its that time of year, and quite frankly if you're coughing, feverish, and fighting nausea and not because you're housing a fetus, please stay home.  It amazes me the number of people who will venture out despite having everything shy of bubonic plague.
A couple of weeks ago I passed a woman on the highway driving with a surgical face mask and rubber gloves on.  Yes, I was pissed I didn't snag a picture.  I don't know what the heck she had, but no shot I'd go near that car.  She was either deathly ill (which, ok get off the highway), or handing out physicals along I-40.....both of which are a lose/lose for all parties involved.
Bottom line, if you're that sick stay home.

In the gym world, one of my baseball players officially signed with UNCG today....very exciting.  Here's to the next 4 years buddy!  He's worked his rearend off in the gym, and despite the fact that I don't want to feel older than I am, his "yes mam" responses and work ethnic is hardly something I'd fuss about at 30 years old.
Plus he brings me deer meat....ha
That program is truly getting a great kid.
Congratulations Chad :)

Ok, back to the grind...

Peeler Assault and Birthday Wishes

Sunday night already.  Geez.
I'm on my 7th cup of coffee for the day and pretty much 2 ounces shy of a panic attack and night sweats.  Might add a little excitement to my evening, who knows.

Its been a pretty hectic weekend that started with a lovely dinner Friday night with a dear friend and woman who continues to inspire me more than she realizes.  I promised her I wouldn't post her picture, but we got all dolled up and made our way downtown Durham for a little ladies night.

Normally we see each other in the gym sweating like heathens in lycra, so to actually smell decent and have on normal clothes was a nice change.  We laughed until I nearly cried, managed to solve zero of our problems, but loved every minute of it.  Ha. 
I am blessed to say I am surrounded by amazing women...

Saturday was a combination of work, family, errands, more work, and a self-induced sit-in strike against all things "productive".  I swear I hardly moved from the recliner for nearly 5 hours.  I don't do that too often, but I literally could not even think straight because I was so tired.  I needed to write, do laundry, send emails, blah blah blah.  Instead, I opted to stare at the tv and scroll through the guide until something looked remotely appealing.  I was well beyond any decent decision-making...I can't even tell you what I ended up watching, but caught myself on the Hallmark channel more than once.
Like the herpes of television....and yet there I was, moth to a flame.
On a more exciting note, we celebrated by cousins 21st birthday that afternoon....God I feel old.  I still have her pegged as 14, but here we are...21 and grabbing life by the horns...
Happy Birthday Courtney!!

Today started bright and early at 5am, as I was unable to sleep and facing a cat who apparently thought he might starve to death if I didn't get up asap.
Ridiculous.
I will say though, I normally feed him before I start my coffee.  That's love right there.

In the world of fitness,....my workout this morning didn't necessarily feel great, but compared to yesterday's I'll take it.  I just could not find a rhythm yesterday,...my resting heartrate was up, my eyes were watering, my mind was all over the place,...just a mess.
I think too often people expect to feel on-point every single time they strap on the spandex (or cotton blend, whichever), and head for the gym.  Some days its simply not there and you give what you can and move on.  That's life.  To expect it any differently is unrealistic.  Period.
So this weekend was not necessarily my A game, but it got done and tomorrow will be better.
If not, you'll see me on the news for a meltdown...

Soooo I'll end with this pleasant shot...

Mama got a little cocky with the new vegetable peeler.
First of all, please ignore the fact that my hands resemble that of a 70 year old.  Ugh...they are horrible and since the weather change, are cracking and I'm forced to whip out the lotion and gloves at night.
If I die in my sleep, someone please remove the gloves before taking me in so I don't look like a total idiot.  Thank  you.
Back to my cuts....
Note to self: when peeling a sweet potato, MOVE THE OTHER HAND OUT OF THE WAY.  Unbelievable.
So there are my cooking wounds for this week.
I boycott pealing anything for 5 days.  Ok 4,...or at least until my hand doesn't look like it was assaulted.

Well, that's about all I got....
Writing up a few plans, then headed to bed.  Busy week ahead with some much needed time off coming soon...

Hot Spooning

Yes, I just completely demolished a cabbage and told it who was boss with my new vegetable peeler.
What can I say, it doesn't take much to bring my evening to a new level.
I had Christmas music going and my yankee candle firing away....it was actually a sad scene, let's be honest...
And now I am planted in front of the fireplace like its the middle of winter in Buffalo, fully aware that were I to invest in some leg warmers and a camo snuggie I'd survive just fine without the heat until New Years.  However, when I walk into a house at 61 degrees, I'm not even going to pretend I wouldn't mind spooning with a feverish human being.
I was cold.
Heat is now on.

My week's been fairly normal thus far, as clients are regrouping after Halloween chaos and preparing for the holidays.
It is literally right around the corner, and its always good to see people get in a proactive-mindset about 2 months of parties, dinners, and any/every reason people find to stuff their faces and drink like fish.
I completely get it.  However, come January 1 we should not all be standing there needing maternity pants wondering what the hell happened.
Yes, I will address some of that in a later post...

Ok, this was short and sweet tonight...
I am pooped and need to get my mind right for hump day.  I swear every time I turn around its hump day...

Let The Holiday Games Begin...

My intentions of writing over the past few days were apparently overridden by my ADD and compulsion to get everything else done except blog.  Its absurd really.
My to-do list looks more like a grammatically inept book versus list.  Auto-correct has made us all idiots when it comes to spelling, and I will be the first to admit I receive the "No Replacements Found" message more than any human being with a high school diploma should.
So then when it comes time to actually write something out, I nearly have a panic attack because there's no higher being replacing my sorry ass attempt to spell "vacuum" or "diarrhea",....(I misspell those fairly often and its sad on many levels)...

The weekend started off with a Parker-gals trip to Greensboro for a Christmas shopping experience at the coliseum like no other.  We go every year, walk around for about 5 hours, prevent Sparkles from buying anything resembling a fanny-pack, and then cap the night off with a dinner.
We had a blast.
Christmas was practically everywhere, and I managed to get out of there with a few gifts for others.....and for me.  Expecting me to go in there and be completely selfless is like asking an infant not to crap themselves.
Its gonna happen.
Get wipes.  Be prepared.
I didn't go overboard, but one of the best things I got was a vegetable peeler that makes my cabbage-shredding experience more like heaven and less like a pain in the rear.
Honestly, I would have paid more than $10 and risked the cuts.
The demo alone sold me.  This country bumpkin was peeling carrots, potatoes, and grapes like a daggon magician,...and just as I'm thinking "Who the heck peels grapes?" there I am making it rain in booth #476...

I snagged a couple shots from the outing...

Great way to start the weekend...

The rest is sort of a blur between clients, computer work, errands, and Christmas movies.  Yes, I pretty much bypassed Halloween this year.  I had intentions of wearing a "costume" to work on Thursday, but as I gazed in my closet at 3:48am, the thought of wearing anything remotely humorous was no longer humorous.  I could hardly think straight.
I was going to dress up as my own mini-nightmare and mis-match everything head to toe.  But that plan quickly faded before the first cup of coffee,...knowing full well that I would literally have a panic attack by noon if I looked like I was assaulted in a circus dressing room.
Such a party-pooper, I know.  So I opted for all black Nike head to toe....typical life of a ninja, what can I say...

Tomorrow is back to the grind and headed into a very busy November.
Before I know it I'll be getting ready for Santa and having to explain why he really needs to stop being such a judgmental creeper.

Well, I can barely keep my eyes open....that alarm will be yelling obscenities at me here shortly....the feeling is quite mutual.
Beauty rest here I come,...

Privates and Holiday Prep...

...and then there's that moment after a long day when you are scooping your cat's poo, that you ponder your purpose in life and curse the horrible smell of litter.  "Ocean Breeze" is a lie.  Still smells like feces.  Period.
I like to end my Tuesdays on a high note, what can I say...

Its been a hectic week thus far, but coming off a great weekend with my gals..
A slumber party with a 4 and 2 year old means lots of dress-up and reminders that you keep your "privates" private.  Hey Miley, take note....even a 2 year old gets it.
We had a blast to say the least...

And then as I was pulling away I got this shot, and nearly turned around, parked the car, and broke the news to them that I'd be moving in and sharing my ridiculousness with their family until further notice,....

Well, in fitness news it was back to the grind bright and early Monday morning.
I had all intentions of getting a good night's sleep, but neglected to open the windows wide enough....so there I was at 2am having menopausal hot flashes at 30 years old.  You would have thought it was 80 degrees in there.
It wasn't.
70...
but I was sweating.  Needless to say, the AC came back on Monday.
After Sunday night's sweat-a-thon, I didn't really care if I woke up to frostbite.
I was on a mission at that point.
But the week has been great thus far...people getting everything back under control before the holidays hit.  Always a good plan.
I'll touch on some of that as we near the only time of year when people justify eating anything, everything, and then popping Xanax like Pez to survive social functions.  I get it, but like to opt for a slightly more sensible approach...

Its about that time.
...the bed is calling, and I am on my way.  Have a great night folks and get your mind right for another hump day...

Switching To Vodka...

Waking up to a 62 degree house and a whining feline was enough to make me crawl out of bed and move as quick as possible to the coffee pot.
Had I been timed I would have broken a record,...but it was certainly a staggering sprint attempt.
Its finally starting to feel like Fall around here, which is nice, but it takes us southern souls a little time to adjust.  Last night I got together with my neighbors around a fire pit and you would've thought it was below freezing.  Pretty sure I lost all feeling in my hands after 8pm. 
Its in those moments that a snuggie actually makes sense.
And lets be honest, it should never really make sense.
You can either have a blanket, a hoodie, or a sweat-inducing tarp.  Not all three.

We had a blast, and I am thankful to live around an awesome group of folks.  Let me rephrase that,....an awesome fertile group of folks.
At one point I look up and every other female was standing there with a baby bjorne strapped on like a parachute. 
I suddenly felt the urge to run home, pee on a stick, and vow to stop drinking the local water.
Vodka.  I'd switch to vodka...

Its been weird not working AT ALL the last couple of days,...amazing I haven't lost my sanity yet.  Key word: yet.  Sometimes I do need the mental break (shocking, I know).
Although I am staying pretty busy otherwise with projects and what not around the house.
I finally had to spend a couple of hours reorganizing my closet and throwing crap out.  I did manage to get rid of a few pairs of shoes (yay me), but that was pretty much like removing 2 buds from a full grown chia pet.  Thus, I really shouldn't pat myself on the back as so much kick myself in the rear for being a total shoe whore in the first place.

So here's just the boot and sneaker section...I call it section "A"...

No need for judgement,...as always, I completely judge myself.
So that's what I've been up to amidst other things.  Although today I do need to get some computer work done and send out emails until carpol tunnel takes over...

Coffee setting in.....getting my mind right for cardio.....here we go Saturday...
Make it a great weekend folks!

Free Hugs Always Win....Unfortunately

What a week.
I could have sworn it was Thursday, and yet hump day was staring me down like a hawk.  Damn that hump.  It was a fairly normal Wednesday, but coming off of less sleep and some never-ending rash-like stress, it felt like Thursday....or Friday...or Saturday afternoon when my intentions of having a life are superseded by my desire to nap with my cat.
At 30, I live life on the edge...

However, my reason for a later bedtime was a good one....birthday dinner with the family to celebrate Jordan's 26th year on this planet as the favorite Parker child.
Its fine, he always has been...and quite honestly he deserves the title.  Surviving in the house with me and David 15 years ago is a fete that at least deserves a plaque, ribbon, or lifetime supply of Zoloft just in case.
I'd ask mom for money, and he'd ask for hugs.
How is any normal human being supposed to compete with that?
...I just stood there empty-handed, looking like a jerk, and more apt to soak the moment in sarcasm than give a bear-like embrace.
Tragic.
Ah but here we are years later and fully recovered...maybe...


In fitness news...
My next article will be finished soon and I'm pretty pumped about this one.  I say that about every one and I realize my opinion is slightly bias...
I'm ok with that.
But this one really hits at a huge theme that I encounter E-V-E-R-Y-D-A-Y.  I constantly deal with people whose mindset about fitness/health/nutrition/habits is more like some kind of victim to their environment rather than seeing the open opportunity to alter the very things they let control them.  Amazing.  WE HAVE CONTROL.  What a new concept.
And yet too often we resign ourselves to a passive participant in this journey known as health, and waste time wishing things were different.
Ah, so I finally get it all on paper....Creating A Successful Fitness Environment.  This is NOT just about cleaning out the pantry and joining a gym...I cover the little things that will ultimately make a HUGE difference in your ability and rate at which you achieve your goals....from the plate to the people you surround yourself with.  Because ALL these things contribute (good or bad) to your health. 
So there ya go,....it will be in front of your eyes in just days :)

Well, that's it for tonight...a short day tomorrow and then holy crap a couple of days off...what in the world will I do....

Fried Butter and Gin & Juice

I swear I turn around and the weekend is gone.
Poof.
Vanished.
...And the next thing I know the Monday alarm is going off along with my sanity...

I had a relatively quiet weekend,...with the exception of a trip to Target...and Wal-mart.
Hitting both those stores within 24 hours on the weekend is a near death wish.  It never fails that I choose the line with the lowest IQ requirement and busted scanner, coupon nazi, or
price check for 13 of the 15 items on the belt.  However, I never complain when I get a cashier who refuses to spend more than 5 seconds on a price check and just starts making up numbers. 
Its a paperless coupon.
Happy birthday everyone.
Thankfully, my experiences were not so bad this go-round.  I escaped the mad-house known as Saturday in retail world without pulling out my hair, ceasing public outings all together, or vowing never to bear children after witnessing a 3 year old exorcism over a pack of skittles.
You may be making a point to your child,...meanwhile everyone within a 50 yard radius is deaf in one ear and completely swearing off sex until 2015.

Today was pretty standard in the gym world....with a handful of people needing to burn off a few extra calories from the State Fair.
Yeah, some of the "food", (and I use that term loosely), absolutely blew my mind.  Apparently we Americans will fry the crap out of anything.....and then fry it again....
But I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to go.  We went every year growing up, so its more about the tradition of it I guess.
Dad would have us there before the gates open, freezing, making sure fanny packs were ready to roll and we all knew where the Red Cross building was in case we got lost.  That was always interesting...
"If we lose you, just go there and we'll get you."
....uhhh....so are we talking like right after you discover you lost me, or going to just let me marinate in my poor decision making and Keds for a bit and pray for the best?...
Oh 1989 how we miss you.

My night concluded with a few teenagers and the dramatic stories to follow.  They are always entertaining and whether I need to know it or not, I end up hearing who broke up with who, who wants to breakup, what tests are coming up, and what mom doesn't know about the weekend...
I could literally sell information by Monday night.
Crazy kids...
Yes, I say kids as if I'm 62.  I practically am.  But I definitely feel it when a song comes on from high school and they are all like "who is this?"...as if they'd remember jamming out to Snoop Dogg in their diapers.
Maybe they were.
Parenting award denied right there....mainly for lack of good judgement.  Oh I appreciate some ol Dogg,...just not fully supportive of a 5 year old spouting off the lyrics to Gin & Juice.

On that lyrical note, I am headed to bed...
Night folks!!

A Beautiful Mess

12:15 and I am just now sitting down to my plate-o-protein-pancakes.
Pumpkin flavor.
Topped with PB2.
Highlight of the day right here....which isn't saying much about my day, but I go a little cra-cra over some pumpkin stuff.  Smells, tastes, I don't discriminate...I like it all.
The yankee candles are probably my favorite.  Why I spend $22 on a burning scent of awesome only to throw away the jar and long for more is beyond me.
And yet worth it.

In the midst of my highway rant the other day I failed to mention what an amazing day I had on Thursday in the gym.
Every now and then people will unknowingly meet us where we are with words that are perfectly timed and yet catch us off guard.  Our reaction is thus raw and uninhibited.  It can be a mess, but a beautiful mess...
Long story short, a woman brought me to tears right there in front of the leg press before 10am.  I was in no way prepared for her genuine gratitude and overflowing sense of personal achievement.  Over the course of our time together she'd conquered fears, physical limitations, internal doubt, and truly allowed me to pull her out of her comfort zone.
Because she reached,...did the work, and ultimately proved to herself what I was already certain of.
As she was tearing up I was beyond overwhelmed, and she may have thought I'd brought her to a "new place" in her journey, but she had no clue how much she fed my soul in that moment.
Yes, believe it or not I am not always a heartless meathead ;)
I was coming off an emotionally and physically draining few days, and I'd be lying if I said there were not times it took all the strength I had to make it through the afternoon and a dozen more clients. 
...Her words refueled me.  Her personal strength and conviction that she's worth it, can do it, and will do it fueled us both.

That was not the last time I cried that day.  (Shockingly, the second time was not related to a coffee shortage or another highway nightmare).
...It was just one of those days.  Perhaps not what I expected, but what I needed, and such a reminder once again why I adore the opportunity to do what I do...

Stuck In The Middle

The ebb and flow of my week never ceases to amaze me.
By Wednesday morning I was operating on adrenaline and enough caffeine to wake the dead.  Apparently 4 hours of sleep leaves me looking like a nightmare because a handful of clients commented on my "tired" appearance....which we all know is code for "you look like hell."
I won't deny it.
I did.
Glossy eyes, clammy skin, slight stumble when walking.....I was either sleep deprived or had been drinking and didn't know it.
Generally I know it.
By the time I left work I was honestly in another world, and had I known I'd nearly lose my mind on the highway I would have slept on the PT table in the back...
 Yeah, here we go.
For the most part I think I have pretty reasonable expectations on the road: use a turn signal, go at least the speed limit, if you're in the fast lane and people are lapping you get over and reassess your life and consider a bike, skateboard, or anything topping out at 25mph.....
Very reasonable.
And probably towards the top of my list is this,...do not ride my bumper like the NASCAR legend you are not when there is a line of traffic clearly not speeding up.
I about lost my you know what right there by exit 266.  There is just something ironic about a Hyundai on your bumper,....like being thumped repeatedly in the knees by a 5 year old. 
So there I was with a Hyundai on my rear while facing the backside of a Prius...
If I were going to go down on the highway, that would absolutely be the scenario right there.  Not a Cadillac or even minivan with more features than my TV....nope, I face plant into the ass of a Prius.
I made it home alive.
I left my sanity at exit 266.

On that note, I am pooped and have a semi-full day tomorrow capped off with a dinner date with Sparkles.
Mom is so excited she can't stand it.  $100 says she squeals at least 3 times while we're eating...
Its amazing I survived by childhood.

More to come tomorrow.  But I do want to thank my dear dear Melissa AGAIN for delivering starbucks to me this morning.
Unbelievable and what an awesome surprise....like candy to a baby :)

3 Beers and a Chicken Leg

I think I could win an award for most squash consumed in a 5 day span.  Its a little ridiculous, and the cashier generally looks at me as if I'm stocking up on the yellow veggie-o-awesome in preparation for the Apocalypse.
I'm not.  I just happen to eat an absurd amount and apparently think that warrants a ribbon, trophy, or honorable mention of some sort.
See, this is a prime example of a generation that was pat on the back growing up for basically everything from good grades to farting correctly. 
Give us praise for anything....for the love of God, lie to us and tell us we're great...
Unbelievable.

Well, it was a typical Monday in the gym, catching up with clients about their weekends, nutrition confessionals, and a few reminders that using a magic wand on inner thigh fat works about as well as sitting on it.
While I am truly grateful for clients' honesty about their journey and "where they are" from an emotional and personal perspective standpoint, there are often common themes that I deal with on a daily basis.
So yes, by the end of the week when I've addressed the problem-with-eating-whatever-you-want-and-thinking-you're-immune-to-fat-storage-and-a-heart-attack issue, I am pretty much ready to assault someone with an eggplant in an effort to break their way of thinking.
Apparently that's frowned upon.
Which is crap.
But today the reoccurring subject I talked about with numerous clients was NUTRITIONAL CONSISTENCY.

I see/hear it All. The. Time.
"Meredith, I ate so well Monday thru Friday, "slipped" on the weekend, but I don't understand why I'm not losing weight."....or...."I've been eating good for a week, why am I not losing?!"....or the best is "I eat 'GOOD' almost all the time" coupled with a food journal that looks like a recipe for diabetes, and then they're in awe of the fact that their pants are still tight.
Bottom line:...You didn't gain the weight overnight, and you certainly won't lose it overnight.  Expect it to be hard, expect it to take time, and you won't be disappointed when it does.
Will a couple days a week of nutritional mayhem hinder progress?  ABSOLUTELY.  Just from a numerical standpoint, lets say you consume just 700 extra calories on the weekend above your maintenance and what you are burning,...if you are NOT burning that off in the days after and continue that trend, in just 5 weeks you're looking at an extra pound.  Granted, that is with the assumption that calories during the week are completely on point.  Also, 700 is a conservative number for the majority of folks...being football season and the rampant beer-consumption, you're looking at 3 beers and a chicken leg.  That's like 1st quarter warm-up for most.
5 weeks...1 pound.
52 weeks in a year...~10 pounds.
Hello.

Long story short, consistency is paramount when it comes to nutrition.
One meal does not make or break you.  Just like one day of not flossing doesn't cause gingivitis.  Its our HABITS good or bad that will ultimately sway our bodies into a fat-loss state, maintenance, or weight-gain state.  And amazingly, we have complete control over what goes in our mouths.
Crazy thought, I know.
Hey, take away my sarcasm and it only leaves interpretive dance for me to comunicate.
And that gets me in trouble...

Whew, what a day.
Tomorrow, more of the same and Wednesday is projected to be a the longest humpday known to man. 
Wednesdays are the unfortunate rash of the week. 
Always there.  Stays around longer than you'd like. 
And leaves you calling your best friend about it afterwards...

Elbow-To-Rear...

Its turning out to be a rainy Saturday and I am more than thrilled about it.
Don't ask, its just completely fine with me.  I see a nap in my future...which will make for 2 days in a row.  I love it.  Ironic that I fought it so hard in kindergarten, and now I actually want that germ infested red mat and awkward mid-day slumber party with 20 other people.
Guarantee you that I wouldn't waste time playing the don't-laugh-because-you-can't-but-really-want-to game with my best friend.  No, I'd be one REM cycle away from a coma or paradise view/dance-off with Channing Tatum.
And by "dance-off" I mean him dancing....with his shirt off....

Yesterday the nap was not exactly planned, but I literally had no choice.
I was counting the minutes until my massage Friday afternoon, and by the time I got home I was completely worthless.
I felt horrible and immediately got on the couch........which I didn't leave until about 5 hours later....
Ridiculous, but much needed.
The massage was great, but when an elbow goes driving into my periformis like a oil rig, it makes for a long 90 minutes.
Yes, 90 minutes....my body was numb by the end and I pretty much wanted to lay in fetal position and cry after that.
Slightly dramatic.

Well, I better get on with my day.
Workouts to write up and errands to run....story of my weekend life... ;)