Twerk at Work

Honestly, one of my favorite things is receiving a completely random text from a friend with no preface, no heads up, nothing to prepare me for what I'm about to read. 
I pick up my phone, look down, and the thought process usually goes something like this:
"...holy crap, now that's funny!.......slightly offensive, just not to me......there is seriously something wrong with them......eh, and that's exactly why we're friends..."
Everytime.
I had a couple texts today that left my face cramping from laughing so hard, while questioning whether or not they still had a line of decency...

I had another evaluation today....and had to hold myself back from shaking the man until he saw stars.  He wanted my guidance for a program he could do on his own and needed to lose at least another 25-30 pounds.
My favorite line was "So, you'll make my program and if I don't see my results in 2 weeks, I'll call you."
Uhhh,... might as well workout those phalanges and put me on speed dial to save time buddy.  2 weeks?  I nearly laughed in his face, but refrained with every ounce of will power I could muster.  But I'd be lying if I said he was the first to be completely ridiculous.  I hear it more often than I'd like.
To be totally honest, a lot of it boils down to lack of patience and a surplus of laziness.
We want what we want and we want it right now.  And a "willingness to work for it" isn't always correlated to the process.  Unbelievable.
Thus, I spend the next 20 minutes bringing people out of this weird bubble they live in where fat is zapped without moving and eating habits are someone else's fault. 
My sanity is somewhat lost along the way...

My day ended with a middle-aged couple asking me what "twerking" was. 
Never a dull moment.  I am generally prepared for most questions, but this was a first.
There was absolutely no way I was about to demonstrate (although tempting),...so there I was trying to verbally describe what should never be verbally described...ever....but they can't say they didn't learn something new today.
So I'm sorry,...and you're welcome.

That's all I got....long day ahead tomorrow......no twerking involved.

Breastfeeding Fighter...

Just give me a horizontal surface and 15 extra minutes...

Out like a light.
I woke up in a daze to the sound of the vacuum, 4 texts, and the smell of lysol.  All I needed was a screaming child to appear and it would have been an all out sensory-overload meltdown.
My body was toast, and my mind wasn't far behind.

My workout didn't help at all...anytime I work my legs the afternoon feels like a blur.
But on a positive note, I was able to do back squats today without feeling like my sacrum was going to explode.  Huge progress.  Its been a loooong 7 months dealing with this problem, and humbling at times.  Wasn't long ago I'd squat 235 pain free,...today I was happy to do the damn bar.
Tis life.
Crawl before you walk or lay there and get trampled...

So I was searching online for workout gear the other day, and some of the shirts trip me out.  I can roll with the traditional Nike slogans (as seen above), but one's that say "Too Fast!" or "Can't Stop This!" just make me laugh.
I'm not a cheetah or a train,...shocking, I know....
I need to make my own t-shirts.
Yes, slightly edited.  Emphasis on slightly...

I had a handful of initial evaluations today, which are always interesting.
Every time I feel like I have heard it all, but somehow that is never the case.
After putting one woman through the physical assessment, we sat down to talk about goals, habits, etc.  Coming out of her second pregnancy, bed rest, and endless days of chaos I could tell she was simply ready to refocus and get back on track.
She leans in, gets all wide eyed and with a completely straight face....
"Meredith, I want you to hurt me.  I'm dead serious.  I'm not afraid to cry.  Not crazy about vomit, but I want you to hurt me."
I sat there unsure of what to say at first because I literally thought oh my god, she wants to be the next female UFC champ and ironically still breastfeeding.....would she pump between rounds?...what is the protocol for that?
 Finally, I smiled and assured her that tears, vomit, or any other bodily fluids for that matter would not offend or scare me. 
Mom says I lack compassion.....ehhh, I'm not getting paid to play patty-cake or snuggle, (as should no one no matter spooning ability).  However, I am very much aware of peoples' limits, and when someone opens the door to "what they want", well by God strap on your helmet, game on.
She starts next week.

Well, I just ate enough salmon to last me 3 days and need to get in bed asap.  Tomorrow is a long day that will begin at 3:45.
Here we go...

Where Is My Cape?!

The weekend seemed to fly by and pretty much leave me in the dust and debris.
Of course I was trying to be as productive as possible (shocker), which  left me waking up at 4 on Friday, 3:30 on Saturday, and comatose by Sunday morning.  I have nothing to say for myself except that by tomorrow afternoon I will not be responsible for anything that seeps through the gaping-hole-like filter that covers my mouth.
I tend to get ridiculous when I'm tired.
Correction: more ridiculous.

The weather has been unbelievable.
I went for a run Saturday morning and was borderline chilly for the first 2 miles.  I am beyond ready for fall. By far my favorite season....the smells, the weather, the football pants...dear Lord thank you for blessing us with Lycra.  And by "us" I mean running backs and wide receivers...

The week looks to be pretty standard, but I am honestly a little behind with my shoot next week.  I am still putting clothes and whatnot together,..speaking of, my net arm sleeves came in last week...best $4.99 I've spent in awhile.
I need a cape.
Why do I not have a cape?
Random, but it reminds me of Jordan when he was little....he had a set of batman pj's that had a detachable cape, which I'm pretty sure he wore until the cape looked more like a weird cotton mullet.  What a rebel.  Cape on, Big Bird under his arm,....us Parkers were pretty much destined for greatness.
...So, needless to say the shoot will be here before I know it and I need to get my mess together.

Overall it was a great Monday...a long Monday, but a good one.
The coolest thing to watch is someone blow their own mind on the first day.  I generally see it with people who have/are recovering from an injury or surgery and are so afraid of re-injury, that they baby themselves into a security bunker, and only look out to make sure no one is going to force them out.
Yeah, I pretty much like to invite myself in and then kick you out in such a way that actually comes from your drive, not mine. ;)
Fact is, people will move when the thought of staying is less desirable than the fear of actually trudging forward.  But again, it is completely on their terms.  Unfortunate to some extent simply because some will never move, but majority will...at some point.
Today I had a new client who was absolutely ready.  Scared to death of jumping (due to injury), and 12 minutes into her workout there she was bouncing like a 3 year old...giddy, confident, and in no pain.
Made her day. 
Made mine.

A few more emails then bed.  Glorious sleep.  Last night I woke myself up talking,...you would think I would exceed my word limit on a daily basis by 2pm.  Apparently not so.
If it happens tonight I might shoot Nyquil like tequila and pray for the best...

Hump Day Drama and Sock Withdrawal

Wednesdays are about 32 hours long for me.  The hump just grows like a rash and before I know it its 4pm and my body is screaming for either sleep, coffee, or a pen to the eye to just take me out.
So dramatic.
Part of it is that I do my workout before my first clients, so after that exercise "high" that lasts for a couple of hours I hit a wall that I simply cannot shake.  At 1pm I fell asleep sitting straight up in Midas waiting on my car after just taking 3 cups of coffee to the face minutes earlier. 
I'd be screwed with a desk job.
Actually, the company would.

It was a good day though,...I had many laughs with clients (which is always a plus), and managed to check off several things from the to-do list (practically foreplay for someone with OCD). 
The day grew more interesting when a VERY pregnant woman strolled in to ask about a 3 week membership until she gave birth.  Well, we don't do "memberships" per say, so this was apparently a big problem for the eager fetus and mother.  She kept asking Isaac if there was any way he could make an exception, and all I could picture was her water breaking on the bike and me delivering a child in spandex while AC/DC blasted in the background.
Not exactly trying to clean amniotic fluid off my shoes...

Speaking of shoes,...I forgot to bring socks this morning post-workout.
Not a huge deal for some people, MAJOR deal for yours truly.  Let me explain something....I am ridiculously attached to socks.  I wear them to bed even if its 95 degrees.  I don't care, its my thing.  So to go an entire day without them was like going through withdrawal,...minus the twitches and rehab.  I survived...barely.

Busy day tomorrow.  A couple more new clients scheduled and then hopefully a great weekend ahead...
Night folks.

What Was...

I got a solid 7 hours of sleep last night and I didn't know what to do with myself today.  It was great.
The thought of anything more than that might overwhelm everyone I encounter, so 7 is probably good...
Not going to lie, I woke up at 3am ready to roll.  Ridiculous.
A few more nights like that and I will honestly pop a roofie and pray for a blurred line of consciousness until its time to get up.

I had a new evaluation this morning, which went great, but I am always amazed by the interactions.  I mean, I've seen everything from vomit to tears, to meltdowns, and so now I pretty much go into it with a helmet on and brace myself for anything.
This morning was tears.
Honestly, I appreciate the honesty because I need to know where my clients are so I can meet them there,...and everyone is different.  I think former competitive athletes have an extremely hard time being able to mentally adjust to various stages in life and appropriately set goals without allowing the thoughts of "who they used to be" get in the way.
I hear it all the time.  And the fact is, the longer you live in the mentality of comparing yourself to others OR "who you were 10 years ago on the field", the longer you live in bondage to the unattainable.  I don't say that with a defeating attitude,...but rather from a realistic viewpoint.  Its not that you cannot be fit or in shape 20 years down the road, or 40 years down the road,...you can.  However, you must allow yourself the freedom to experience a new kind of fit.  Is it lesser than where you were playing Division I?  Only if you choose to look at it that way.  Are you going to train the same?  No,...you'll train smarter.  Are you going to feel the same?  No,...that's called time and wear-n-tear.  Are you going to look the same?  No.
And guess what,...THAT IS FINE. 
Focusing on what was robs you of the here and now, and the opportunity to grow beyond any preconceived limitations based on the before.
Perhaps to some extent we think that if we "let go" of that former self we somehow lose the accolades, the victories, etc....but its far from the truth.  Those will be there.  But placing them on a pedestal in the present closes us off to greater victories in the future.  Different victories, but triumphs nonetheless.
My advice,...acknowledge and appreciate the experiences and accomplishments, and then set them aside.  Not to be forgotten, but to keep your vision clear for the path ahead.

That's a rap for tonight...

Birthday Wishes and Cling-Wrap Nightmares

I'm 97% certain that cling-wrap exists in hell.
Yes, I use it on a regular basis.  However, when I nearly lose my religion getting stuck and unstuck for the longest 32 seconds of my life, I then have no doubt it is manufactured on the docks of the lake of fire.
The things I do for the sake of portion control...

On a more positive note, it was a rainy but great weekend.
I am still recovering from the paint fumes in my bathroom...worth it, but the number of brain cells I've lost for the sake of "Sky High" blue is quite unfortunate. 
I still have to do trim work,...so by Friday you might find me huddled in a corner eating paint chips reciting REM's "Everybody Hurts" in a monotone slur.

Yesterday we celebrated P-Diddle's 4th birthday....so hard to believe she's 4.
At one point I took her to potty and she's just sitting there in her most honest moment holding my hand and asking me if she can have the big piece of cake.  Ummm, heck yes you can!  5 minutes later mission accomplished on the throne and pure excitement over a slice of sugar on sugar topped with...well, sugar.  I couldn't help but think that one day the anxiety of calories, fat, and everything else would creep into her female mind, so to see her enjoy these innocent girly moments is amazing...
Love that birthday girl :)

...only she could pull off a princess dress and arm tattoo.
I respect that.

In the fitness world...
It was a full day.  I had several new clients and a slightly abusive shoulder workout.  I figure if Monday is already going to kick my butt, I might as well pick the shoe and brace for the inevitable.  But in all honesty, it was a good day and I was excited to work with new folks and slowly unveil my crazy...

Its 8:30 and I am about to crawl in bed...
If I feel like this in the morning I will be locked up by 11am.  Have a great night ;)

Shirtless Thursday

One more day of this weather and I will cease fighting the urge to completely offend everyone and frolic shirtless in public.
Its amazing....not me,...the weather.
Nothing beats that first smell of Fall-like weather.  I say that, and yet in 3 days we'll be ripping our eyes out and complaining about breast sweat because its 95 with 100% humidity.
Gotta love North Carolina weather.

Had an 80's morning with my clients,...jamming out to Madonna, some MJ, and AC/DC.  But so help me God when a Janet Jacket song comes on I pretty much revert back to my rockstar status of 1989.
...I was 6 years old with spandex, crimped hair, and a busted tape deck. 
Pretty much the portrait of awesome.
What can I say.

I was talking nutrition and "getting the crap out" with a client today and she shared something that I think almost EVERYONE deals with on some level...it went something like this:
"...so let's say there are cookies in the house my mom made...I want to be able to just have a taste, but it feels like I can't.  I feel like it just opens Pandora's box,...then I eat more, I crave more, then I'm made at myself..."
I hear some version of this pretty often.  The whole idea of "just a taste" is somewhat crap because the second you put it on your tongue you want more.  Some of its mental, and some of it is completely out of your control because things happen on a chemical level that make you want more.
So long story short I needed a quick way to explain that A) her feelings/struggles were normal, and B) its unrealistic to adhere to "the taste" rule all the time like some super will-powered human being.
I thought for a second...(yeah watch out)
She's in her twenties, so the first thing that came to mind was relationships/guys....so I rolled with it.
"Look, stop beating yourself up.  Its a lose/lose situation.  Its like taking your clothes off and saying you're just going to make out....ummm, you're not just going to make out..."
A light bulb went off, she stopped her exercise and looked up at me..."Oh my God I'm a cookie slut."
I busted out laughing.
Here's to effective illustrations and an entertaining morning in the gym...

After not even 4 hours of sleep, this afternoon is going to be interesting...the wall I inevitably hit around 4pm just might knock me out.

Make it a great day folks!

70 Years Young....and Frank's Pants

Ah yes, Tuesday....Monday's unruly stepchild.
Kidding, I'm actually a big fan of Tuesdays....or pretty much any day that is remotely entertaining and filled with awesome people.
My morning was not so typical though, as I went to speak with the Heart and Sole Club of Durham at Northgate Mall.  Honestly, it was a blast, and to speak to a group of folks who, average 70+ years old are committed to staying healthy, was inspiring to me.  There is no telling what I'll be up to at 70, but I'm fairly certain it will involve some version of a squat, hip roll, and uncanny ability to shake what my momma gave me.
Unstoppable.
Who am I kidding, I'll probably lose my mind at 69,...ironic?  Why yes, Alanis, it is...

While we are on that age bracket, I went to visit my grandpa this weekend...
He's my last surviving grandparent, and honestly declining.  Sharp as a tack, but his body is simply giving out.  We had a wonderful visit despite the fact his condo was a sauna and I was 1 conversation from a heat stroke by the time I left.
We talked about everything from taxes to why I was thankful he actually had on pants that day.  Long story short, last time I visited he didn't,...no judgement, heck I don't want to wear pants some days and have no health excuse.  My other grandpa refused shoes or underwear for the latter part of his life, so I was somewhat "prepared" for such apparel issues.  But you know how hard it is to have a conversation, looking someone in the eye when they are missing their pants?
Hard, trust me.
Its like talking to the woman who openly breastfeeds in public without a cover.  Fine, we get it, but its not a matter of me looking at your boob,...your boob is staring at me. 
Same thing applies to pants and your grandpa.
Nonetheless, we laughed and carried on, and it was truly great...

I've had some great emails so far this week from clients who are, for the first time, seeing themselves as they are.  Its great.  What I mean by that is that they are examining themselves from the perspective of themselves instead of others or any ideal perception they've formulated in their heads.  What a huge step.  I think sometimes we look at that concept and assume it only applies to examining our "faults" and shortcomings, and neglect the fact that it also entails seeing our potential, strength, and resilience. 
I'm sure you've heard the saying "You're stronger than you think you are"....Oh I believe that 100%, but it means nothing until you believe it for yourself.
Ultimately, your strides forward or lack thereof on a daily basis stem from a deeper belief in who you are, who you desire to be, and what you're willing to give/release to close the gap.
And to SEE and HEAR people trudging through the process is amazing... 
Day.  Made.

Ok, back to the grind...
Looking forward to an entertaining afternoon and hump day ahead....have a great day folks!
P.S....Ladies, I have not forgotten about your post,...coming soon!!! :)

Coffee Bender and Cool News

Well, my Saturday morning began at 5am with Oscar sniffing my face like a honeybun.  Finally, "I'm up!  For the love of God, I'm up!"...I stumble to the coffee maker and prepare to face the weekend.

Speaking of coffee,...yesterday was a ridiculous caffeine-bender Friday.  I won't try to deny the fact that my love for iced coffee went a little too far, and I just may have crossed a line.  But the rationale was that since I had been up since 3am it was either going to be that or me losing my mind and submitting to fetal position in public by 1pm.
It wouldn't be the first time...
Needless to say, I survived and got a ton of cleaning/organizing done around the house.  I hate clutter.  Cannot stand it....to the point that even catching a glimpse of the show Hoarders produces anxiety and a sick desire to slap everyone involved.
All that to say, give me way too much coffee, a garbage bag, and some lysol and by God I'll show you a good time.

It was quite the week.
My efforts to stay ahead of myself work-wise went pretty well, although that can change with a phone call, email, or melt-down.  I did have a few ladies who I thought were going to strangle someone as they walked in the door.
Depending on the situation, I may not stop them lets be honest.  BUT, all that to say there was an underlying theme that literally permeates across ovaries e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e.  I will touch on it next time because I'd truly like to devote that entry for you ladies.  Honestly, its too important to skip over, and since I can't jump through the screen and literally shake the crap out of every one of you (those science transport shows of the 80's screwed me up, damn liars), I will have to settle for a few words from yours truly.
It will be some tough love coming your way.....still love,...just combined with a firm grasp on your perceived reality.  Then I will squeeze.

I will end with some cool news...
My latest article will be featured in Endurance Magazine in September.  I was pumped when Brian notified me, and reviewing what I wrote in my head because Lord knows sometimes the filter can be rusty...
Here's the link: http://activedgefit.com/when-we-hit-a-fat-loss-wall/

Well, I hope you make it a great weekend!...I'm about to hit the road for a 6/7 mile run, so if you hear a slight groan, heavy breathing, and a few curse words from Mebane,...its me...

Whole Foods Meltdown and TLC

...just emerged from my nap.
Brace yourself,...it takes a solid 20 minutes before reality sets in and the filter is officially up and running.
It was an amazing 40 minutes, and after my experience in Whole Foods just minutes before I either needed a good long nap or anger management classes and a straight jacket.
Don't get me wrong, I love me some Whole Foods (despite paying more for chicken than a years supply of tampons),...HOWEVER, there are moments when I question the progress of humanity right there beside the grapefruit.
Getting stuck behind someone who literally has to pick up, feel, smell, and have a come to Jesus meeting with every piece is a mini-nightmare.  No, I'm not trying to get my shopping done in record time, I simply want to be in and out before I hit menopause.  In that moment, it was debatable.
Mom always says those moments are for me to "practice patience." 
I know she's right....blah. 
I pray for patience because honestly if He gives me strength someone might end up in a full nelson on aisle 3...

Well, its been a productive day thus far.
Workout,...clients,...grocery shopping,...nap,...geez.  By 7pm this train is going to come to a screeching halt.
Workouts are going well, and ironically I've had several people randomly ask me if I was going to compete anytime soon.  Ah man, I'd be lying if I said it didn't cross my mind over the last few months, BUT I simply have my focus is so much other stuff right now....and I'd have to switch to bikini.  I'm too small for Figure, and not sure how I feel about Bikini.  Thus, I am simply training to be awesome at life.  Ha.
Seriously though, my focus right now is this photoshoot, and then I will train to train.  Yes, I love it,...don't always like it, but that is life.
Onward and upward.

An old TLC song came on today....before I knew it I was back in 1994 living the dream.  100% chance I will bust a move when I here "Creep"...
Like trying to stop a tsunami.
Just brace yourself and roll with it.

Alright, happy hump day folks...make it a great one!!

A First For Me...

Holy Monday.
After a full weekend of friends, cookouts, work, and the inevitable arthritis from typing, the 4am wake up call was a punch in the throat.
HOWEVER, when Bell Biv DeVoe's "Poison" comes on the radio during my commute, I am convinced its going to be an awesome day.  "Never trust a big butt and a smile" - words of wisdom and perhaps one of the best lyrical bum-references ever.
Nothing like a time travel back to 1990 with my scrunchy, lace leggins, and the buds of an aspiring ability to drop it like its hot.
I started early...

It was a great day with clients, as people are starting to embrace the fact that summer is coming to an end and getting the kids out of the house feels like Christmas in August.
No judgement.
I get it.
For some it is like having a crappy roommate for 18 years,...sometimes 30.  Who knows.
So when the school bell rings, that is freedom my dear friends,...at least for a few hours.

I had quite an interesting conversation with a woman this afternoon...
She stopped in to check out the place and get some info,...but I soon found out why she nearly asked for a urine sample.
To make a long story short, she summed it up like this...
"I hate gyms.  Sweaty people gross me out.  I hate to work out.  I don't want to use machines.  I'm not completely stupid, but I want someone to show me what I can do on my on, but only things I want to do because I want fast results."

For those of you who know me well, you know I was fighting laughter, shock, confusion, and the urge to pause her long enough to record this on my phone.
THIS was a first.
I've encountered bits and pieces of all those issues, but throwing them all in one human being was quite the site. 
First, let me address the "I am not completely stupid" phrase....Just a thought:
If you feel the need to begin a sentence with "I am not completely stupid" to a stranger who ultimately has no preconceived reason to think you are stupid, there's a high likelihood that they will then be on the fence about it.
There is only one place I will assume people are idiots, and that is on the road...and for good reason.

Second, this attitude is honestly the very thing that will keep her from her goals.  Not her ability, not her schedule, not even her preference to neglect machines.  In short, she wants to do what SHE wants to do with no regard to appropriate reason/method/realistic expectations.  
Would I work with her?
Sure.  BUT, the fact is that until she opened herself up and allowed me to basically do my job, it would be a tug of war with a rather stubborn anchor.  "Stubborn" is the nice way of putting it...
Look mom, I'm growing.

Yes, I was completely honest with her about "where she was" in all of this,...that went over about as well as ripping a band-aid from your face...but, I had to be honest with her.
In the end she was grateful, but still freaked out by sweat.
We'll see where this goes...

Well, that's a rap for now.  ARTICLE WILL BE POSTED TOMORROW!!

...Secretly hoping Poison comes on again at 5am...

Braid It or Shave It

My productivity level on a Saturday morning is pretty unbelievable.
No, I'm not chasing kids around so I should get a lot done, but the Sandman just may have slipped me some speed at 5am.  I was up and ready to roll.

Perhaps I needed to make up for my somewhat lazy day yesterday.
I worked in the morning, but after that I hit the pool.  I get a call from Happy Feet and Sparkles at 10am that they are on their way up to join me.
Dear Lord.
Honestly, it was a good time, but at one point Dad was trying to justify not learning how to text, giving me a lecture on technology while rubbing through his chest hair.  Its weird, but its what he does if his shirt is off. 
Finally I had to stop the madness.
"Dad, I can't take you seriously with chest hair that looks like an overflow of Santa's beard.  Get it under control."
That led into a brief and disturbing conversation about waxing...of which I was reminded that over 50% of my dysfunctions are sitting beside me...
One in a sparkle foam visor, and the other in much need of a razor and a cell phone tutorial.

Seriously though, I needed the pool-side-nap(s).
I was out.
Body was tired, brain was tired,...it was perfect timing to get some vitamin D.

Now I've got to work on my article and a few things for the book.  It is truly a bit by bit process.  BUT, I am very excited to put this together.
Photoshoot is booked and ready to roll with that,...so now I'm putting together all my outfits and whatnot.  It will be a combination of fitness pics as well as casual/fashion shots.  I like edgy and different, so we are going to do some cool shots with the fitness stuff this time...
I informed Sparkles she'd have to paint me again,...her wit is coming along "story of my life...painting your butt"....some truth to that.
She's a trooper.
Thanks mom.

Ok, onto the next item on the to-do list...
Make it a great day folks.