Broken

There are days you feel like you could conquer the world, and then there are days when putting one foot in front of the other is a task in itself.  Today was a hard day.

After my typical Friday morning routine, my dad called.  My grandpa, (who has been in and out of the hospital over the last several months), took a turn for the worse.  A week ago they gave him months to live, and this morning I was encouraged to come say goodbye because it was unlikely he'd make it through the day.  As I drove there I could hardly see, and was beyond emotional.  I am close with my grandpa.....this is hard, very hard.  I can't even begin to describe my thoughts, feelings, responses to being in that quiet room, alone, to speak to a man who was  gasping for breath, unresponsive, and was clearly ready to leave this world.  Right then, nothing else mattered.  I just wanted to hold his hand.  It might sound strange, but when I think about my Papa, I always think about his hands.  They were workman's hands....callused and broken.  I talked, he listened, I kissed his cheek, said I love you, and walked away flooded with more sadness than I thought I could handle.

I left there just wanting to escape.  I felt closure, but not completely.  I was a wreck.  Bombarded with memories, I drove down the highway and could have driven for hours.  I battled the part of me that just wanted to go home and crawl back in bed and cry until my eyes were swollen shut....and the part of me that knew I was created with incredible resilience and that life will move on.  I needed a distraction I guess.  I headed to the gym to get in my workout before the one client I scheduled today.  My body was heavy.  Its amazing how emotions completely drain you....I was exhausted before I even picked up a dumbbell.

Between the sweat and tears, the floor was wet by the end.  I'm not sure if my emotional pain distracted me from the physical, or vice versa.  Needless to say, it was a struggle.  There was no way I could do sprints today...my head was throbbing by the time I got through the weights.  So I finished my workout with a inclined walk.  Thankfully, Lora came in and talked me through the last 15 minutes or so.....I honestly, don't know if I would have finished today.....somehow, I did.

As a trainer, you give a piece of yourself to every client you work with.  They feed off of your motivation, encouragement, strength, and passion....bit by bit you are pouring yourself out over the course of the day.  Then somehow, someway, you are refueled and have more to give in 24 hours.  Its amazing.  I had only one client today, and I could literally feel myself mustering up every ounce of energy I had to motivate and push him.  I was in an unbelievably weak moment, struggling to find some type of strength.  It was an hour that felt like 5.  To be completely honest, I was trying with all I had to hold back so much emotion that there were times when I'd forget where I was or what I was doing.  We made it through...from point A to point B, but it was the longest distance between two points I've ever experienced...

It's been an extremely long day.  I am a little overwhelmed right now and unfortunately do not have any funny stories.  There will be time for that later....today was just a little too sobering...

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend....enjoy the people you love....and for those you don't, just be thankful you don't live with them and pray they don't procreate (that's about as much funny as I've got in me tonight...I tried...)  Goodnight folks...