Forgotten Skippy and Lonely Pam

It is an absolutely gorgeous day in the city.
Clear blue sky, light breeze, and thank God low humidity.  After Monday morning I was fairly certain I would die at the hands of humidity.  In theory I should be used to the sauna-like feeling, but people forget that in the south we go from our air conditioned homes, to an air conditioned car, to another air conditioned building, and that 20 second walk between each may be the longest 20 seconds of our life, but we endure because we are tough, but mainly because sweet freon awaits...
All that to say that waiting on the subway platform in 95 degrees is equivalent of waiting in a heated port-a-Jon,...without the momentary relief when your pants drop.
So cheers to a cooler day with a breeze.
...its the small things.

The last two weeks have been quite the grind since our return from Florida.
Vacation was absolutely wonderful,....sleeping in past 4am,...reading books,...taking naps,...laying by the pool,...it was pretty much exactly what we needed.  I'm sure my clients were ready for me to tone it down a notch.  God bless them.  Ha

The return flight was not exactly what I needed, and I basically left any sanity I gained from that trip right there in the Tampa airport...
It started out as a normal trek through security: shoes off, put your mess in the bin, wait for the person in front of you to realize the line is moving before glaring at them and their 3 bins, hands in the air, and then grab and go.
Well, my grab-n-go part wasn't exactly that.  They grabbed my bags and said they needed to do a full search.  Ok fine, its 6am, at this point you argue with no one only because its 6am and no one in their right mind has enough energy to do so.
Not even me...and I was on my 3rd cup of coffee.
So I stepped aside as they pulled out my jar of peanut butter and explained it was over 3 ounces and had to go.  Fine.  Take my peanut butter deliciousness if you must.
Side note: if I were to try and sneak something on a plane, it would definitely be peanut butter. 
...But I did later find out peanut butter is often used to smuggle drugs.
A little warning about this would have been nice before some stranger is man handling my skippy.

Next thing I know they are literally pulling every. single. thing. out of my luggage.  The game of tetris I had to play to get all that crap to fit was now going up in flames and my underwear was being exposed to all of Tampa travelers.
Awesome.
Then I'm asked to step aside for a full pat-down.
Here we go...
The woman spoke so fast I could hardly keep up, and all I caught were a few words here and there about the back of her hand, inseam, and breasts.  Again, it was 6am, I blacked out right after my skippy was confiscated.

She did ask if I'd prefer this little checking-for-hidden-needles ordeal in a private room.....as if it would be more comfortable behind closed doors with a stranger,
Ummm, no thanks...I'd prefer to be completely violated in front of as many people as possible.  Lets just get the full effect.
So there I was,....suitcase open, clothes out, peanut butter gone, and one squeeze away from a total mammogram.
30 minutes later I managed to somewhat reorganize my suitcase and regain some decency to face the world.  It was not pretty, but it would work.

The story doesn't end there.
By this time on a scale from 1 to totally crazy/irritated, I was a solid 8....Alanis Morissette status.  Like, be carfeul I might be tired but I might just go nuts on you type thing.
But I had all my things and was ready to board.  I roll my carry-on and whats left of my dignity up to the gate when Pam smiles and stops me.  Ahh!!  What?!
My bag was too big.  By literally an inch.
An inch.
She wanted to check it and I could go to baggage claim in NY.  At that moment I felt like Ben Stiler in Meet The Parents when he has death grip on his bag and threatens the flight attendant to take it.
That was me.
Chris looked at me like Oh dear God she's gonna blow. 
Pam couldn't stop smiling....ugh Pam stop it with your rules and positivity!! 

....As my bag was taken and I was led to the plane, I concluded 3 things from my experience:
1. Peanut Butter is not always worth fighting for
2. Refrain from sarcasm during your pat-down,..it is not funny to the stranger who's hand is on your inseam
3. Pam made zero friends that day


The smell of hot sewer welcomed me back, and I was ready to roll. 
NYC, hello beautiful...


****Exciting news to come on next post!!!